Archive | December 20, 2011

Pet Peeves

Of all things in this world, my pets are the least peevish. So I don’t know where the phrase ‘pet peeve’ came from. I do know that in Harry Potter, the books, not the movies, Peeves is an annoying ghost playing mischief in the halls of Hogwarts.

I’m good at complaining so I thought I would make a list.

These things really get in my craw:

1. Telling me to be 15 minutes early to an appointment. Oh yeah? Why not YOU be ready 15 minutes early for ME? That’s just stupid. You’re lucky I show up on time to begin with and now you want me early? Pffft. Yeah right.

2. The disclaimer on milk that says, “does not contain RBST from cows treated with hormones, not that there’s a significant difference anyway”. Okay, that’s not the actual quote, but it translates to something like this: “Our milk doesn’t have estrogen in it, but if it did, the FDA says you wouldn’t notice a difference.” Oh okay then. Except my six year old has boobs.

3. When you say ‘thank you’ to someone and their response is ‘no problem’. What happened to ‘you’re welcome’? When I shop at your store, you hand me my receipt, I say ‘Thank you’, you SHOULD NOT say, ‘no problem’. It’s like, ‘yeah, I got commission on this sale and all, but it’s no problem that I had to interrupt texting my boyfriend or that I would rather be getting an eyebrow wax now instead of helping you try on shoes.’ Drives me bonkers.

4. Someone cutting their toenails. Period. Eww. Don’t want to ever hear that noise. Not from my husband.  Not even the place that does pedicures. Hate the sound. Hate it.

5. The kiosks at the mall with the sales people that jump out at you and want to flat iron your hair. I like my hair just fine the way it is and stop chasing me with anti-frizz serum.

6. The ‘hygiene’ liners on swim suit bottoms in the stores. What is up with that? Because that flimsy sticker on the crotch is going to protect me from all things herpes/yeast infection. News flash- I’m going to wash them anyway before I wear them AND I wear underwear in the store when trying them on in the first place. If anyone relies on that sticker, you’ve got another thing coming.

7. Donald Trump.

8. Camel Toe. Look it up if you don’t know what I”m talking about.

9. The people in the parking lot at my kids’ schools that idle their cars for 30 minutes while parked in the primo pick up spot waiting for the bell to ring. If that is you, I’d like to ask why you literally enjoy burning fuel needlessly? Is it so cheap you wish you could use it up faster? You don’t like polar bears? If you’re cold, it’s called wear a coat. It doesn’t get below 40 degrees in these parts. And if it does, grow a pair and deal.

10. Those squeaky shoes Asian people put on their babies. I don’t have anything against Asians, just those squeaky shoes. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a white kid in them.  And why in THE hell do they have to put them on their kids’ feet in the mall? JesusMaryandJoseph, can’t I shop in peace?

Bucket list item # 10; kiss a snake- check.

I have some fears and phobias like most people. Fear of heights. Fear of spiders (make that fear of anything that crawls with more than 4 legs). Fear of water. Drowning has got to be the worst way to die. Fear of snakes. Like Indiana Jones fear of snakes.

At my niece and nephews’ birthday party they had the Reptile Man. He’s famous in our parts and kids love him. He brings alligators, tortoises, snakes and lizards. In his snake collection he has a rattle snake, a cobra, a python and a boa.  If he had a tarantula, centipede or scorpion, I would have locked myself in the bathroom. Then he wouldn’t be the Reptile Man I guess, he’d be Crazy Insect Guy.

My only experience with boa constrictors was the poem by Shel Silverstein. Apparently, they don’t actually eat people. Boa’s have never killed a human. This is what the Reptile Guy tells all the trusting little 4 and 5 year olds he’s letting pet these creatures.

I’m not sure what possessed me to raise my hand when he asked for volunteers to hold the boa. This was by the end of his presentation and I was feeling comfortable with all these scaly things.  That, or it was the stench of all those cold blooded things in the room had fogged my senses. They did stink. Reason number 45 why Owen is never getting one as a pet.  Anyway, around my neck it goes and first thing it does is start smelling my face. You know- with it’s TONGUE.  It felt like it was kissing me. Now, I don’t have any expertise, but I think this snake knows high-end beauty products. Clearly, this snake has been to Nordstrom and Sephora and I must’ve smelled like home to it. It wouldn’t get out of my face. (See picture)

So whatever snake dancing Britney Spears did on stage at the Video Music Awards is child’s play compared to my canoodling the boa.

I’ve decided my training for Fear Factor is well under way. Next up- spiders.

Are you fucking out of your mind? As if.

Like next we’ll go to some kids party with bungee jumping and I’ll be all, ‘pick me, pick me’. Uhm no.

Am I still afraid of snakes you ask. Well, no. Not afraid of ones that are in crates with the Reptile Guy. However, I have no plans to go to Africa or Brazil any time soon and test my fears in the wild, thankyouverymuch.

What a wuss. She's hardly letting it touch her.

Can't you tell I'm smiling. It's saying, "Oh, I love how your skin smells."