Archive | January 19, 2012

Stab my ears with ice picks now: Kidz Bop and other nuisances

I realize this might rub wrong with some of my parent friends. If you and your kids listen to Kidz Bop and enjoy it- great. That makes you a very tolerant parent. Or deaf.

I’m a purist. I don’t mind a cover band for my 80s favorites. But usually grown ups are singing. Kids singing grown up songs, unless they’re church hymns and they are that girl Jackie Evancho, is just not right. I feel weird seeing kids prance around singing Lady Gaga and Ke$ha or Kanye West.

When the commercials come on while my kids watch cartoons- even they groan. So yes, some artist’s lyrics are inappropriate. This has been going on since the dawn of time. Elvis, Li’l Richard, The Eagles, Madonna…all artists our parents didn’t approve of, or their parents didn’t approve of.

But when they need to mess them up in a most embarrassing way or sing with those bubble voices, I want to stab my ears with ice picks.

Here’s a website that did my homework for me and listed the best of the worst for child-proofing pop lyrics for Kidz Bop ears.

Awkwardly altered lyrics on Kidz Bop

There’s a reason Justin Beiber and Miley Cyrus are actual recording artists. They can sing. Not everyone’s cup of tea- I realize. But at least their music is geared for teens, grown ups can take it or leave it. I suppose the same can be said with Kidz Bop. Take it or leave it. I’ll leave it thanks.

Something else that came to mind- don’t people mess up lyrics anyway? I mean, I can’t understand what Nicki Minaj or Jay Z are saying anyway.

Examples of songs from my childhood that I thought I knew the words to:

Irene Cara, The theme from “Flashdance”

my version:

“Take your pants off, and make it happen, it just comes alive you can prance right through my eye.”
(My head was in the gutter then too)

real version:

Take your passion, and make it happen
Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life

Elton John ‘Tiny Dancer’

“Lay me down by Tony Danza, count the headlights on the highway, lay me down on your credenza, you had a visitor today.” (okay, I stole that from Phoebe on Friends.)

real lyrics:

Hold me closer tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
you had a busy day today

Duran Duran’s ‘Rio‘-

my version:

“Her name is Rio and she dances on her hands, just like a ribbon going through the smoky grand”

real lyrics-

“Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand, Just like that river twisting through the dusty land.”

See? What’s the point of lyrics anyway?

And speaking of other things that drive me bonkers-

Squinkies. Mattel’s version of plastic gumballs in the shapes of ponies and kitties. They’re harmless. But every time any have come into our house, they end up in the vacuum, my shoe, the cat box, under the seats in the car, wherever.

Now they have a new Squinkies product called, Zinkies. Squinkies but half their size. I didn’t know you could make a toy so small and charge so much money. How does this product not get recalled? I can only imagine the number of times pediatricians have had to extract one from some orifice of a child.

Squinkies come in girl versions and boy versions. Apparently unisex Squinkies are frowned upon. Everything has to be marketed for girls and boys. Then they get twice the costumers.

Also, be careful of things marketed that say, “Hundreds for you to collect.” Translation- “Please buy lots and lots of them!”

Tell me if this commercial doesn’t drive you nuts:

Squinkies “girl” commercial:

Oh and here’s the boy commercial: because all skater boys play with Squinkies. And wear them in their hair.

F-Bombs and protests. But not the SOPA kind.

Protests can be effective. The internet blackout caught the attention of folks everywhere. Hopefully the folks that vote it down.  (SOPA and PIPA)

Protests can bring about fodder for late night hosts. Or they can become world changing- think Egypt.

But then there’s dumb protests. I mean really useless, stupid ones. The kind that bring to light stuff that would have sailed on under the radar but their protests bring them to our attention. And then I blog about it and it brings it to light even more. So I’m contributing to the stupid, vicious cycle. Pretend I didn’t write this. Unless you agree with me, then enjoy.

Awhile ago I shot back at uber conservative moms who didn’t like Ben & Jerry’s Schweddy Balls.  Apparently, it was offensive to have balls in the name of an ice cream that your kids shouldn’t be eating in the first place since it was rum flavored. See? Stupid.

So then I read about more uptight parents and a college kid protesting swearing on TV. I thought they couldn’t swear on TV. They are upset about the latest Modern Family episode where Cameron and Mitchell’s toddler Lilly, drops an F-Bomb. They bleep it out and the producers say she said ‘Fudge’ in real life. It only LOOKS like she said the F word. Harmless.

I seriously don’t think the rampant use of teenagers using F-bombs is due to toddlers on television.

Okay those of you who know me personally, know I will probably defend Modern Family to infinity. I love that show. Heck, I am that show. HELLOOO?? I’m Claire. I want to be Gloria, but I’m Claire. I’m also a bit of Cameron and Phil… but the point is- this show is art imitating life. And that is what makes it so great. I suppose they should have also banned the episode where the kids walk in on the parents ‘doing it’ since that will lead groves and groves of parents to flagrant nookie while our children are home.

This kid, McKay Hatch who says his No Cussing Club has 35,000 members, obviously doesn’t have kids so he is clueless to the rampant swearing and potty talk that streams from toddlers and preschoolers like a turrets affliction. And maybe the parents group protesting has perfect children that never say anything inappropriate. Just about any parent will give you that great story of the first time their kid uses the F word. It was probably in public. Like in church. Or at your in-laws. Perfectly humiliating situations to share with your child when they are an adult at their wedding rehearsal dinner.

Kids swearing for our entertainment is nothing new. What about the fabulous scene in A Christmas Story where Ralphie is helping his dad change the tire on the side of the road and drops the F-bomb to his parent’s dismay? And to his dismay later when he has to suck on that bar of soap. It’s part of life.

Blech.

Television is entertaining. We like it because it lets us escape, or it shows up as a mirror and we can laugh at ourselves. Which is the case with a show like Modern Family. I don’t think it will cause an outbreak of toddler swearing beyond what we’re used to.

So college kid- guess what? The karma parenting fairies usually have a way of getting back at you. You might need to invest in some bars of Life Buoy soap.

This must be old. Toilet soap?

Here’s the articles:

Groups in a tizzy over Modern Family F-bomb

Modern Family toddler uses curse word. But not really.

Her dress lights up!! That is so F---ing fantastic!