Stab my ears with ice picks now: Kidz Bop and other nuisances

I realize this might rub wrong with some of my parent friends. If you and your kids listen to Kidz Bop and enjoy it- great. That makes you a very tolerant parent. Or deaf.

I’m a purist. I don’t mind a cover band for my 80s favorites. But usually grown ups are singing. Kids singing grown up songs, unless they’re church hymns and they are that girl Jackie Evancho, is just not right. I feel weird seeing kids prance around singing Lady Gaga and Ke$ha or Kanye West.

When the commercials come on while my kids watch cartoons- even they groan. So yes, some artist’s lyrics are inappropriate. This has been going on since the dawn of time. Elvis, Li’l Richard, The Eagles, Madonna…all artists our parents didn’t approve of, or their parents didn’t approve of.

But when they need to mess them up in a most embarrassing way or sing with those bubble voices, I want to stab my ears with ice picks.

Here’s a website that did my homework for me and listed the best of the worst for child-proofing pop lyrics for Kidz Bop ears.

Awkwardly altered lyrics on Kidz Bop

There’s a reason Justin Beiber and Miley Cyrus are actual recording artists. They can sing. Not everyone’s cup of tea- I realize. But at least their music is geared for teens, grown ups can take it or leave it. I suppose the same can be said with Kidz Bop. Take it or leave it. I’ll leave it thanks.

Something else that came to mind- don’t people mess up lyrics anyway? I mean, I can’t understand what Nicki Minaj or Jay Z are saying anyway.

Examples of songs from my childhood that I thought I knew the words to:

Irene Cara, The theme from “Flashdance”

my version:

“Take your pants off, and make it happen, it just comes alive you can prance right through my eye.”
(My head was in the gutter then too)

real version:

Take your passion, and make it happen
Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life

Elton John ‘Tiny Dancer’

“Lay me down by Tony Danza, count the headlights on the highway, lay me down on your credenza, you had a visitor today.” (okay, I stole that from Phoebe on Friends.)

real lyrics:

Hold me closer tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
you had a busy day today

Duran Duran’s ‘Rio‘-

my version:

“Her name is Rio and she dances on her hands, just like a ribbon going through the smoky grand”

real lyrics-

“Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand, Just like that river twisting through the dusty land.”

See? What’s the point of lyrics anyway?

And speaking of other things that drive me bonkers-

Squinkies. Mattel’s version of plastic gumballs in the shapes of ponies and kitties. They’re harmless. But every time any have come into our house, they end up in the vacuum, my shoe, the cat box, under the seats in the car, wherever.

Now they have a new Squinkies product called, Zinkies. Squinkies but half their size. I didn’t know you could make a toy so small and charge so much money. How does this product not get recalled? I can only imagine the number of times pediatricians have had to extract one from some orifice of a child.

Squinkies come in girl versions and boy versions. Apparently unisex Squinkies are frowned upon. Everything has to be marketed for girls and boys. Then they get twice the costumers.

Also, be careful of things marketed that say, “Hundreds for you to collect.” Translation- “Please buy lots and lots of them!”

Tell me if this commercial doesn’t drive you nuts:

Squinkies “girl” commercial:

Oh and here’s the boy commercial: because all skater boys play with Squinkies. And wear them in their hair.

18 thoughts on “Stab my ears with ice picks now: Kidz Bop and other nuisances

  1. What in God’s name are those Squinkies things?
    And I can’t stand Kidz Bop either. It’s weird and annoying, and frankly there are clean versions of almost every song without it having to be sung by six year olds. I tried it once and thought I was going to have to “lose” the cd, but then about two songs in my daughter YELLED “what is this hog wash? …turn on my Arcade Fire.”

    • okay, my son has Beanz. They are sort of fun when they go down the track they make. BUT, he hasn’t played with them in over a year. Total farse. I survived Weebles, and Beanz are even smaller. What gives?

  2. WTF is WITH SQUINKIES?!?!?! If something is so small that it requires a tweezer to play with them, it is freaking stupid. STOOPID.

  3. Is it bad to say I’m glad our kids are grown and we don’t have these issues still? It was bad enough with Pokemon, Power Rangers, Skeletor, POGS, etc. Each generation has their own tiny-toy madness, doesn’t it?

    • I admit I like the infant financial advice commercials- because there is no cheezy background music and no tweeners singing in bubble voices.
      But yeah, my lyrics are WAY more interesting.
      Thanks for reading, as always.

  4. LOVE your lyrics. I have a few like that, too. Oh, and if you haven’t seen it yet, you have to see the 30 ROC episode with the “American Kidz Got Singing!” show. So freaking funny!

  5. Don’t get me started about the commercials that make me wish I was deaf and blind. There were Pillow Pets, Happy Nappers, those awful Stompeez things…Holy Sweet Jesus.

    There is NO WAY IN HELL that my kid is ever going to be allowed to listen to KidzBop. I tried it once when she was like 2, and I am pretty sure I had a psychotic break by the 2nd verse of the 1st song. And I cannot figure out how you make ANYTHING by Ke$ha child-friendly. That bitch only sings about waking up in a pool of her own vomit after being gangbanged by 4 DJs. AMIRIGHT?

    And Lila saw those in the toy store since she had seen the commercials, she got all excited until she actually saw what they were. She looked at me like, “what the hell am I supposed to do with this tiny thing?” Kind of like the look I had on my face throughout most of my dating life.

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