Archive | January 25, 2012

Ooh, mama’s pimp wagon

Okay, that makes no sense. I do not employ hookers, I am not giving pimps rides to their ‘hoods. My daughter used this phrase the other day. I shudder to think if she knows what a pimp actually is. What I’m really talking about, is my sweet ride- the minivan.

okay, THIS is a pimp car.

You know you want one.

I’m about to go somewhere so controversial, so visceral with some readers, it’s going to give you white knuckles, beads of sweat over your top lip, heart palpitations.

I like my minivan.

Boom. I said it. Yeah. Hell, it’s in my blog bio for crikey’s sake: Mom of 2, wife of 1 and I drive a minivan.

Holla bitches!

Okay, so some of you wonder why I swear in my blog and rarely in real life. Yes it’s my alter ego. But seriously- I’m a woman of cliche’s. I was PTA president, live in the ‘burbs, drive a minivan and wear yoga pants like a uniform.

I gotta have me some swagga. Like Ke$ha waking up in a bathtub filled with bodily fluids that aren’t her own, like Steven Tyler wandering the streets looking for dudes that look like ladies, like Colin Ferrill going to a paternity test at the clinic… I need to live through the page! The WORD people!!

I’m getting off topic. My post is about minivans.

Why do people hate them so much? Geeze! My super blog diva friend¬†PEOPLE I WANT TO PUNCH IN THE THROAT confessed to her readers that she wants a minivan. She has like 30,000 fans on her Facebook page, which says two things: 1)My fans need to get busy, cuz I’m way behind. 2) There’s a lot of people that think she’s the bomb.

So if she says she wants a minivan that’s cool right? Wrong! Boy did she get hundreds of comments and some people were just downright mean.

For example:

“Just because I have kids doesn’t mean I need to tell the world by driving a minivan.”

What does this comment actually mean? Tell the world? When you go out in public as a family, aren’t you telling the world then?

I could sympathize if she said, “Just because I have kids doesn’t mean I need to show off my saggy ass and stretch marks in a bikini to the world”. Okay, this makes sense to me.

Here’s another:

“I would die in a minivan. I would much prefer my SUV.”

Okay, you would die in a minivan? People this is what I call a FWP (First World Problem). Really? If you did die, there would be plenty of room to stretch out.  OH SNAP!

I don’t go ragging on all you SUV drivers. Most minivans and SUVs get the same miles per gallon. They can have the same seating capacity. I don’t know why you need some big hulking beast of a vehicle to go to the mall or drop your kids off at school, but hey, if it works for you, then great.

I do like my slidey doors on my Odyssey. I know for certain I have saved many a dings on cars parked next to me.

Do I want to have a ‘real car’ one day? Sure! Will I miss the roomy interior and automatic doors and the fact that you can walk to the back of the van practically standing up? Yes!

But let me just say this in honor of my minivan-

It’s a Honda- so it’s a beast and has stayed strong for 100,000 miles + (knock on serious wood here)

It has more horsepower than your average car on the street. My favorite- when I take on one of those FAST and the FURIOUS wannabes at a stop light. You know what I’m talking about. Some 19 year old kid with his cap on sideways in his souped up Acura

You've all seen these at a stop light near you.

Integra with the bass pumping and his really loud, obnoxious tail pipe and he thinks he’s going to over take me. BWAAHAHAHA!!

Take that you Fast and Furious wannabes!

I like to speed away and wave and smile, pump my fist up in the air, toss my hair and blare Adele over my speakers. Yeah- this mama owns the road peeps!

Also- I can parallel park like nobody’s business and I can park in those shitty stalls in the parking garages we have downtown. Let me see your Escalade do that!

SO there you have it. My ode to the minivan. I’m proud. It’s all good.

And no, I don’t have those little stick figure stickers on the back window of our family members and the cat and dog. I don’t have a bumper sticker about my honors student, and I don’t have a side mirror that’s held on with duct tape. I have one bumper sticker I never had the guts to put on the back. James thought it sent a bad message to our neighbors.

He’s like, what does that mean actually?

What DOES this mean?

He’s got a point. Especially with all these ‘pimp’ connotations.