I remind my children daily how awesome I am.

My kids are really skilled at pointing out my shortcomings. My flaws if you will.

“mom you chew your cereal loudly…”

So I am going to make a list of all the things I am awesome at. And all the things I suck at. I’m hoping by the end of this list, the former outnumbers the latter. Or vice versa. Or versa visa, this blond gets confused.

Awesomeness:

I have oven timer ESP. This means that about 20 seconds before the oven timer goes off, I always go into the kitchen to check the clock and see it’s almost time to ding. And then I high five the air to congratulate myself because once again, I beat the clock.

Flaw:

I chew cereal really loudly. I don’t know why. I try to be quiet. The crunchy granola nuggets hurt my teeth so I keep my lips loose around the clusters. Oh my gawd that sounded bad. Anyway… Owen always makes me sit somewhere other than the room he is in when I eat cereal.

What? I can't hear you I'm crunching my cereal.

Awesomeness:

I can wax my own eyebrows. My kids could really give a shit about this, but the husband should be happy since I save him money by doing this.

Flaw:

I think I can dance, but I really can’t. Worst yet, I think I can dance like Beyonce and Jennifer Lopez, but I can’t. I’m just a white girl from the ‘burbs with junk in her trunk that thinks she can shake it.

I AM Beyonce. Yep that's me on the bottom in the middle. I'm NOT delusional, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.

Awesomeness:

I have amazing ability to do hair and makeup, whip up a costume from a feather boa and a night shirt and I do face paint pretty damn good. The kids from the neighborhood come here on Halloween for me to do their makeup.

Flaw:

I can’t play a video game to save my life. The children never want to play XBOX or Wii with me because of this. Sure they beat me, but it becomes dull to just beat on the miserable and pathetic.

Awesomeness:

I’m really flexible and amaze them with my yoga abilities.

Flaw:

They love poking my muffin top and asking me to make it jiggle. Li’l buggers.

Anyone hungry?

Flaw:

I curse. They hate it. My kids are policing MY language, not the other way ’round. That’s seriously fucked up. See? Put a dollar in the swear jar.

Flaw:

I read distasteful magazine like Cosmo that have words like ‘sex’ and ‘orgasm’ on the cover. They are embarrassed and horrified if I forget to put them in my room or face down.

Flaw:

I chew tortilla chips loudly, laugh loudly and talk on the phone loudly. Hmm… I see a pattern here. I guess my kids think I’m LOUD. For crying out loud!

This list is making me tired.

I really think there’s more awesomeness in me. But I have to go chew my cereal quietly and think about it.

9 thoughts on “I remind my children daily how awesome I am.

  1. hell, if I’m around a Cosmo magazine at somebody’s house I love reading them for a grand ol’ laugh. there was one section i used to flip to, can’t quite remember what it was, possibly sex tips or the sex questions/answers… either way, guaranteed humor given every else’s silly beliefs/advice

  2. Haha!! This is great. I don’t think you need to “fix” any of your “flaws” though – I don’t really think they’re flaws (of course, as per my post this morning).

    So I think that cursing goes under my “awesomeness” pile actually, because I really and truly believe that the notion of “bad word” is wrong. The philosophy graduate student in me says linguistics influenced by a sense of morality is whack. Some of the most educated and mature people I know swear constantly simply because there is no better way to verbally punctuate.

    My big “flaw” this post makes me think of? I HATE CEREAL. I wish I could chew cereal too loudly because then I would at least eat it. People think I’m crazy because I would rather skip breakfast or just have some fruit than eat a bowl of Cheerios. I just can’t stand cereal. Every once in a while I eat a bowl of the stuff and am horrified that I made the decision to do so by the end of the bowl.

    • You are right- swearing is fucking awesome. Shit, I’ll swear whenever I goddam want to. Yeah!
      Don’t like cereal? What kind of human are you?? I LOVE cereal. I’d have a bowl three times a day if it didn’t add the poundage!

  3. I bet you are totally awesome at chewing oatmeal so quietly no one would even know you were eating! By the way I am totally jealous of your oven ESP.

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