Sex (or lack thereof) and the Married Couple

Or as I should call it, How 50 Shades of Grey ruined my sex life. That’s right. I said ruined. I know, I know- you’re like, ‘WTF FRUG, you were all gushing about it in your music video. Yeah, well, that was back then. Now, unless my husband reads those books, (has any guy read them?) or any other middle aged-mom-soft porn, I can forget getting hot and heavy like Ana and Christian did. My husband will never look at me with smoldering eyes, fingering one of his silk ties in his hands, while he strolls on over to me wearing ripped up jeans and carrying a riding crop, telling me to ‘hold still’.  Our idea of kinky is when one of us gets a neck cramp during ‘relations’.

Who the fuck has time for hot sex anymore?  I’m talking monogamous, happily married, tear off each other’s clothes, pretend like you haven’t been married for 15 years sex. My body isn’t a robot. I don’t have a ‘TURN ON’ switch. So if it isn’t the time of the month, fatigue, sciatic nerve spasms, gas from too much bread at dinner… it’s a miracle there’s any relations going on at all. Seriously, mom- this might be where you stop reading- or put your fingers in your ears ‘lalalalala…I can’t hear you.’

Is it nature’s job to just mess with us? And by us, I mean women. It’s not that I don’t want sex, necessarily (oh dear God, mother, I am so sorry), it’s just that the urge for it really is sporadic. Here is a typical cycle of my libido in any given week-

Monday night= staying up to catch up on DVR shows and blog. Plus, my crops in WeTopia are far overdue to be harvested. Hubs is asleep on the couch. #Sameoldstory.

Tuesday= 11 am, started reading a book/ article/ or was watching Last of the Mohicans on one of the Encore channels with Daniel Day Lewis wearing deer skin pants- the only movie he’s ever looked THAT good- and think- hmmm, if hubby was home right now I would SO tap that keg.

Tuesday night= hubby’s home- and awake, but I have gas from that new quinoa and white bean recipe I tried. Plus, I snarfed that bag of Doritos when no one was around earlier, so the MSG is bloating in my intestines. This equals unsexy for sure.

Wednesday = Hubby’s working from home but I’m feeling glum and sad over how my jeans don’t fit me after I take them out of the dryer. I wish he would give me a back rub. And by back rub, I mean, back rub. And bring me donuts.

Thursday= holy hell- was surfing the web for blog material and happened to come across a whole handful of hot guys which got me thinking how nice it would be if hubby was working from home today. But he’s not. Once again, two ships- different ports.

Friday night= fell asleep in front of my lap top at around 9:30 surfing the web for swim suits that will never fit me. Got distracted and started watching cute kitten videos on YouTube, but my eyelids were so heavy, so now I’m just snoring on the couch. Maybe hubs will carry me upstairs, undress me and put me in to bed, which will wake me just enough for me to be aroused and he’ll pleasure me luxuriously for hours. Wait. Scratch that. Hubs hasn’t picked me up EVER since I weigh as much as he does, and he sure as hell wouldn’t make it up the stairs carrying my fat ass, especially with his bum knee. Plus he’s fallen asleep on the couch while updating his roster for Fantasy Soccer.

Saturday= went out with girl friends and got all dolled up to impress other ladies and get hit on by men that don’t mean anything to me. Stumbled home around midnight and took some Advil and went to bed.

Sunday= still recovering from the night before’s outing. Hubs gives me THE LOOK while we are brushing our teeth getting ready for bed. I’m like, “What?”, He’s like, “hey there”. I’m all, “hey there yourself”. Put in my night guard, throw my hair up in a scrunchie and call it a night. 6:30 am isn’t waiting for nobody and Monday mornings are always hell trying to drag my sorry ass out of bed. So no nookie for you my dear. Sleep time.

And there you have the random week in the life of a married couple that wishes, just wishes, that Afternoon Delights, Hotel Sex, or Anniversary sex, could come during random times of the day, conveniently when there’s no time of the month, gassy stomach bloat, constipation, or children around to bother or in their case, be bothered. OR telemarketers or the Mother In Law calling, or the dog whining at the bottom of the bed.

Yep. I went there. My next blog will be- ‘Why you shouldn’t blog about your sex life and humiliate your ultra, introverted husband.’

Stay tuned.

21 thoughts on “Sex (or lack thereof) and the Married Couple

  1. Love this post. My husband is in the Army, he works ALOT and when he works he works hard. We are always two different ships and sailing to different ports, rarely we get the afternoon quickie which involves us hurrying to lock the bedroom door before the children bust in. Yea, verrrry romantic… To be honest, I’m like you I don’t really want sex, I can do without for quite sometime. I’m waiting for the elusive cougar years to kick in (any day now) so we can have romps like we used to. Also, I pose a question. Why haven’t the drug companies came up with a Viagra type drug for women? Why can’t we be sex crazed fiends? Why can’t we have 36 hours of “for when the time is right?” I could go on and on. This is a great post Frug, thanks for being honest. =)

  2. You had me laughing at this one!! Especially your last line about blogging about your sex life and your shy husband! You would think it would be easier to discuss sex on mom blogs since, you know, that’s what got us all into this club, but it’s not. I always apprecaite it when someone handels the subject with so much humor and fun! Wishing you a more romance filled week! Lol!

  3. so so funny, and so true. I loved it…but i will be waiting for the next installment as well..about your humiliated husband..

  4. So, so, SO (sadly) true. Some girlfriends and I were just talking about some (ludicrous) “study” that just came out saying that married couples had sex, on average, 3.5 times per week. We were in hysterics. This is clearly a lie told by lying liars? And, what does the .5 mean? Confusion ensues… LOVE this post and will share with my girls who are in the same boat. xo, BPM

  5. I have a couple of suggestions (pun intended):

    1) Initiate the erotica yourself. You don’t have to wait for him to make the move. I’ve made several fantasy trades with him, so I know from experience.
    2) Mix it up! Play strip “Go Fish”. Put some whipped cream on your pussy…oh, sorry I forgot you already do that. Get wasted and play Twister.
    3) Masturbate…in front of each other.
    4) Read a passage from 50 Shades to him in bed. And don’t wear PJs with penguins on them.
    5) Put on some Barry White, grab McSweetie’s crotch and say something sexy like “Do me like Barry does me!”

    I can provide more guidance, but the meter is now running. Ciao!

  6. I made the mistake of telling mine that I wanted rough, aggressive sex. He IS NOT into that at all. In fact, he has been so put off by it that he hasn’t been able to “perform”. Men suck.

    So as before we were doing it about once a month, it has nbow been 3 months….*sigh*

  7. Farmer Bob is currently reading 50 Shades…expect an update on that soon, but no, this pretty much sums up our not-so-hot sex life too! I love you Frugie!

  8. Yes. Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes. You just described my sex life to a T! Men just don’t get it sometimes. I wish there was a light switch, but alas if I have to choose between sleeping and sex, I’m always going to choose sleep. 🙂

  9. I’m a man, and this post made me a bit mad. First of all, the two times you say “if my husband was home, we’d have sex” ….the whole reason is because you were focusing on sexual imagery. Then when he IS he, you focus on non-sexual imagery . It is a setup . You want a better sex life? Include him. He’s ready to go all the time. then when he makes an effort, you say not tonight honey. News flash, you don’t want him anymore. You want you mental image of him that never shows up. It’s an unfair mental image, because you keep discouraging him from behaving in the way the guys that turn you on behave. Classic. I’ll tell you, when I start behaving the “right” way, my wife will complain that I’m not “being myself”. It’s a crock. And men get a bad wrap for watching porn. At least we still want the real thing from our wives. You don’t want anything but the novel. Your avoidance of the real thing and blaming “circumstances” speaks volumes.

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