Archive | July 2012

If the Olympic announcers commentated on my daily life

I have watched the Olympics all my life. I remember Nadia Comaneci, Mary Lou Retton, and even Kerri Strugg. Those are gymnasts by the way, in case you haven’t followed the Games like I have.

Now I’m watching with my kids. And every night before I go to bed. I LOVE the Olympics. But the gymnastics on until fucking midnight is not doing me any favors. I have Al Trautwig’s voice in my head throughout the day. Tim Daggett and Elfi Schlegel are like my inner voice. These gymnasts are doing fucking amazeballs skills on 4 inches of  beam, a floor, some high bars. I mean come on. They’re all like, ‘oh, did you see the bobble?’, ‘that little step to the side will cost her gold’.  Stuff like that.

Could you guys look a little more excited?

I can only imagine if they followed me around all day and gave color commentary on everything I do. It would go something like this:

Me getting out of bed, creaky on my feat and hobbling from soon- to-be 40 joints.

Elfi- “This is not one of her strong routines. She’s looking slower and tired each morning. The alarm has gone off and she’s a little slow out of the gate. This will be a two-tenths deduction.”

Al- “Do you think that the years are starting to take a toll on her? This isn’t some 28 year old first time mom anymore. She’s a veteran now in her age bracket.’

Me putting on the kettle to make my tea, getting out my thyroid meds, the cat food and letting out the dog to go pee.

Tim- “She used to not have to take so many medications. I think she knows she’s slowing down, but still hanging in there. If you think this is something new in this year’s routine, wait until you see all the vitamins, chia seeds, and crazy green stuff she drinks to keep her edge.”

Me spilling tea on my t-shirt.

Elfi- “Her skills walking and drinking are almost always clean. Ooh, a little bobble there. That’ll be a one-tenth deduction. If she wants to stay clean until her cup of coffee after 2nd breakfast, she’s going to have to tighten her game here.”

Me scooping the cat box.

Al- “This is the kind of thing she dreamed of as a kid. She always wanted pets. Remember, she was the one who didn’t want the dog. But realized scooping cat poop is no fun either. I see no no clumps have been left behind, this will score well with the judges. And here comes the cat…”

Me getting in my skinny jeans.

Tim- “She always has such heart with every performance. Don’t ignore the fact that these jeans are out of the dryer. The difficulty in this routine is so much higher than the other moms who just slap on a pair of yoga pants. She’s getting in them…look at her squeeze into them! But she nailed the landing, she’s going to win favor over the judges for sure!”

Have you been keeping track of my deductions? I think I’m somewhere around a score of 8.5 right? Not bad I guess.

Someone out there must think I’m a 10.

Excuse me, I just sneezed-

Tim- “She bobbled a little there, well, actually, she dribbled a little with that sneeze. That’s a two-tenths deduction for sure just wetting her pants like that. This is what separates the older competitors from the younger ones. She’ll be back in the gym with those kegels for sure after this.”

I break for metal chickens. Actually, I don’t. I almost rear-end cars in front of me.

Or, I should call this,  how my husband tells me how to drive.

Or, how I will tell The Bloggess that it’s really weird not to care to almost get in a car accident because you see a whole parking lot full of giant metal chickens.

I guess that’s a little long and wordy for a title. I suppose the title above that is kinda long. Is it bad that I’ve almost forgotten what I’m writing about?

Oh yeah- The Bloggess is coming to Seattle for her book signing! HOLY SHNIKEY!!!! Did you hear?? THE BLOGGESS IS COMING!

And I’m going. I will bring my mini Beyonce, her book “Let’s Pretend this Never Happened”, and my 2012 Bloggess calendar.

Oh, I know, I’m going to title this- “Let’s not pretend, but that in fact, it DID happen”.

Enough with the title dammit!

The Bloggess is why I started blogging. After reading her post on “And That’s Why You Should Learn To Pick Your Battles” from last June, (probably THEE best blog ever written. You better go on over and read it so you know what the hell I’m talking about.) I discovered what blogs really are.  Anyone can write a blog. But writing a blog that is fucking hilarious is a totally different story.

I appreciate all kinds of bloggers. But honestly, I want to laugh. I am passed parenting tips on how to potty train, I’m not planning a wedding, and I don’t can my own vegetables. So reading about other people’s marriages is way funnier than anything else right now.

I’m not saying that I aspire to be The Bloggess. Not at all. It was last year when my Facebook statuses were getting longer and longer. People are all like, you’re so funny, you should write a blog. Gee, okay. Twist my arm why don’t you.

So now I can tell random people around the world about my kids, my sweet and tolerant husband, my vajajay and whatever else I feel like dammit!

Recently, while driving to a party with the family, and I was driving so it’s always irritating when McSweetie is next to me saying things like, ‘don’t you want this lane?’, ‘I’d pass this guy’, or ‘are you staying behind this slow grandma?’. You get the idea. My driver’s ed teacher was less annoying.

So I’m humming along just fine, and what do I see out of the corner of my eye? GIANT METAL CHICKENS!! A whole parking lot full of them! I’d never seen so many in one place. I turn to look, when suddenly, I hear “LOOK OUT!” So I look straight ahead. And yes, indeed, the car in front of me has stopped. I gently step on the brakes and stop with PLENTY of time (plenty, dear sweet husband) and say, ‘Why are you screaming?’

McS- “You weren’t stopping!”

Me- “I totally was going to stop in time. And I did. So there.” (Okay, I didn’t say the ‘so there’ part at the end, but I was pissed!)

McS- “What were you looking at anyway?”

Me- “You didn’t see all those metal chickens at that store in the parking lot? How could you miss them? They were so colorful. I’ve never seen so many!”

McS- “I was watching the road, which is what you should’ve been doing.”

Me- “I am able to do both, thankyouverymuch.”

Well, I’m happy to report that it was Emma’s idea to stop on the way back home and get pictures of all those chickens. I’m glad we did. Oh, and I’m not sporting a new fad in makeup. There was a professional face painter at the birthday party we went to, so I didn’t want to miss out on the fun.

Dear Bloggess- I’m coming for you! I mean, I’m coming for you to sign my book.



Knock Knock Mother Fucker

Look, it’s Beyonce!

This here, mother f’er costs $1400! That’s some expensive yard art!

Big ol’ blogging week

What a week! Here’s the week in review for anyone who might have missed it.

You readers were gracious to tell me I’m not fat, I’m nice in an argument and I have a funny daughter.

Here’s the scoop:

I made sure to stay polite and respectful in an argument on my Facebook page-

Controversey Alert- I pissed someone off  (sorry for ending my sentence with a preposition)

I fired off with my own bikini spread to show that not everyone needs to be a perfect size 0 to look good. We need to own it inside.

Am I Fat?

And I HORRIFIED my daughter with a sex talk that went beyond the birds and the bees!

Yep, parents have sex. Ew, gross!

Feel free to read, reread, and share. Thanks so much!

Reasons to Live Friday #9

Oh boy!! Guess what?? The kids are going away for the weekend to grandma’s!! YAY! I know what you’re thinking. There may or may not  be some whoopie making between McSweetie and I.

(If we didn’t, there’d be something wrong with us!)

HOWEVER, more importantly, I will have two nights and two mornings of peace and quiet with just the hubby. We might even cuddle! We NEVER cuddle. Well, it’s kind of hot because it’s summer, or the dog is in the way, or Owen crawls in our bed at 5 am. So cuddling might be in order.

I’m grateful for GRANDPARENTS-

Both sets of our parents live within an hour away. So McSweetie’s parents love having the kids. (My parents love having the kids too, it’s just my in-laws turn this time.) They love to spoil them and take them places to do all kinds of fun stuff.

So to be able to have a weekend of just us two, I am so grateful for! We are going to go out to eat, watch the Olympics, watch movies that have Kate Beckinsale and Daniel Craig, go to the spa! It’s like birthday weekend #2 for my guy!

I’m grateful for FAMILY-

My nephew is coming in to town from Chicago. He’s 16 now. We used to call him Spud and I remember when he was about 16 months old at our wedding. He was the cutest baby! Of course, he was the first grand kid, and I didn’t have kids yet, so I was over the moon as an Auntie.

He’s all mature now and has his driver’s license and a girlfriend. How on earth did this happen??? It will be so good to see him, he loves his Oma (my mom) and Emma and Owen will love seeing him.

I’m taking him to tour the University of Washington campus while he’s here. If he attended, that would be most fabulous!

I’m grateful for the Olympics!

My anglophile loyalties are coming out strong. I have a fondness for England since it is where my dad is from and I have family there. I am a sucker for Will and Kate and David Beckham, and let’s not forget Daniel. But ASIDE from all that, the Olympics are the perfect amount of inspiration, thrill and sentiment. How I love the video montage, the sportsmanship, the biographies of athletes overcoming adversity. I will cry. The networks and marketers know exactly how to reel me in with their clever montages and music.

I’ll be rooting especially for our women’s soccer. I know they want that gold medal ever so much after last year’s Word Cup 2nd place.

But it’s about the journey. Seeing these athletes work so hard to get there. As a kid I thought going to the Olympics would be the best thing ever. I never did become the equestrian rider or synchronized swimmer, or gymnast that I dreamed of. I am not, was not, an athlete. If there was a sport in bargain shopping, theater or lip synching, that would be my gold medal right there.

So I bid you a fond weekend. I hope you enjoy the Olympics no matter what country you are in. It’s like the world is coming together. I hope for peace to prevail, happy kids at Grandma’s and a giant croissant for me on Sunday morning.


Yep, parents have sex. Ew, gross!

Like the Modern Family episode- the Anniversary- the kids walk in on the parents to surprise them with breakfast in bed.

They get more than they bargained for.

Luke- “It looked like they were wrestling and dad was winning.”

I should send the following dialog to ABC. I think they would appreciate it. My screen play is in the works.  Okay, I will try to capture every essence of the HORROR my daughter experienced during this conversation:
(Some background, my daughter is 12. She is a very mature 12. Knows the birds and bees stuff. But she still thinks sex is icky (thank GOD) and she definitely thinks the thought of her parents having sex is SUPER ICKY)

Me: You and your brother need to go to bed before 10 tonight. You guys have been staying up too late. Plus, mommy and daddy need some mommy and daddy time.

Her: What do you mean ‘mommy and daddy time’?

Me: Well, you know, it is after all, your father’s birthday. It would be nice not to watch Phineas and Ferb before we go to bed, and also get some time together. (So trying to be subtle here.)

Her: Eww!!!! WHAT???? You do not DO THAT??? Are you saying you and dad do THAT in the house??

Me: Where would you like us to do it, in the back yard?

Her: MO–om! I mean, don’t you like, DO IT when we are gone?

Me: When are you and your brother gone and we are home alone? Never. So yes, when you go to Grandma’s in a couple weeks, we’ll have some time then. But every other week, we gotta do it under the same roof as you.

Her: So, when we are home sleeping in our beds, you and dad are all, like, kissing and stuff NAKED??? What if Owen walks in?

Me: We take our chances and lock the door. (seriously, I’m grinning so hard on the inside during this convo.)

Her: Well, then I’m coming in your room at night from now on to prevent that from going on!

Me: You sure you want to do that? I mean, what if you come in at accidentally the WRONG time?

Her: OHMYGOSH!!!! YOU’re right!! I’m never coming in your room again. Oh, I’m going to throw up.

Me: Seriously, sweetie. It’s no big deal. We had to make you and your brother at some point. Just think, each of your grandparents did too. And THEY have 3 kids each.

Her: OH MY GOD!!! SCRUB MY BRAIN SCRUB MY BRAIN!!!! WHY did you SAY THAT??? Now I can’t help but think…… oh….. EWWWWW!!!

Me: <giggling> I’m so glad we had this talk sweetie.

Her: I’m going to go scrub my eyes and watch kitten videos on YouTube. I might vomit first.

Me: You do that honey. Just remember, bedtime is 9:30.

Her: <No words just the hugest eye roll EVER.>


Am I Fat?

Well I’ll save you the trouble of answering that. No, I’m not.

But I still struggle with how I look, as does 99 % of the females in this country do too. I want to focus on my inner beauty. I do. But most of the time I’m a little distracted by the outer train wreck that is my aging self and I forget these important things.

I need to tell myself,  I’m okay. You need to tell YOURSELF that you’re okay. But some things in the media have been bothering me and I will get them off my chest.

Sports Illustrated swim suit model, Kate Upton, has been called fat. Fat?  Hmm, here’s a picture of her-

I’m sorry, who’s complaining?

and here-

How many folks would let her eat crackers in their bed? Show of hands please.

And here’s a blog about what the hell is wrong with people out there calling her fat. I knew about ProAna, (how-to Anorexia website) but I didn’t know about Thinspirational lingo. Gag me. And not in the Bulimia way folks.


So when I ask, Am I fat? the answer is still no. But I would be considered a plus size model in the industry. Plus size!  I waver around a solid size 6. My jeans are sometimes an 8, because they’re jeans people!  So Plus size? I don’t even shop at Lane Bryant. Why would I be Plus size if I don’t wear Plus size?  I’m an average size 5’6″ , one hundred and forty-five pounds.  Even my feet are an average size 8.

My BMI is healthy, my proportions are right- I’m like 34, 27, 38. Okay, I’m 32, 28,39. Whatever. It depends on the time of the month. However, nothing, and I mean NOTHING, can help with the dimples, dots, divets, veins, stretch marks and pimply pale skin that is me. Between the barnacles, skin tags, 3rd nipples…did I just say that? I mean, my dermatologist says it’s just my skin overactive in the mammalian variety, whatever.. ANYWAY, it’s not pretty.


I am not a plus-sized, woman. I am a healthy, 40 year old, soft and squishy mom of 2!

Comments from people on Kate Upton article read,  ‘oh, she’s pretty, but she could tone up a bit’. Really people? You are going to knock a woman for being a bit, uhm, womanly? Reading fashion magazines and beauty magazines is dumbing down our senses. We are conditioned to see size zero perfectly airbrushed models that DON’T EXIST in the real world! Nit picking over every fold, inch, pudge or dimple is dangerous. Stop seeing just the hole when there’s the entire donut to focus on! A donut with chocolate icing and extra sprinkles that is so wonderful, you forget there’s a hole.

So here- tell me I’m fat. Go on, I dare ya. (Okay, please don’t. Yeah, thanks.)

Oh, who’s going to the pool??

I’m all like, yeah, whatever, like my cellulite?

Hmm, let’s see, I’m going on vacation soon!! (this one might be blurry on purpose)

Would it be fun to be a svelte, tone, size 2? Yes.  But I’m glad I’m HEALTHY, STRONG, and HAPPY!

I’m 40 and freaking fantastic!

Take that stupid magazines- you can suck my 3rd nipple. (DID I JUST SAY THAT?)

Controversey alert!! I pissed someone off.

Fried chicken, gay marriage and lap bands.

The other day I posted this article from the Huff Post on my Facebook blog page Chick Fil A – Anti-Gay – Sure it’s a little slanted view of the story. It’s a blog post on the Huff Post. What do you expect?

I figured any of my gay friends and family of gay friends would want to know that if they eat at this restaurant, their money is going to groups that want to prevent them from being married. My best friend is a lesbian. Her and her wife have a better relationship than most of the straight couples I know. End of story. I support equal rights for gay people. ALL people, for that matter!

I am also a Christian. You can tell me the Bible doesn’t allow homosexuality. The Bible also doesn’t allow tattoos, mixed fibers in our garments, shell fish, women to speak in church, marry slaves, or males to cut their hair before a certain age. Do we still follow these rules? Not many of us, I’m sure. I also don’t go into a tent when I’m on the rag and burn a pigeon when my courses have stopped that I bring to my pastor. You get my point. I find the gay marriage in the bible argument futile. I think people are just uncomfortable with things different to them and find ways to hide behind rules and restrictions. Does everyone that lives under our government follow the Bible? No. Let’s be consistent here folks.

Do pedophiles get to marry? Adulterers? Rapists? The answer is yes.  Do I make myself clear?

This blog isn’t to persuade you to support gay marriage. I don’t want to push religion, politics or anything like that down someone’s throat, I’m not going to argue to change your mind, or whatever. It’s just like a dog chasing their tail. You’re not going to get anywhere. I’m giving you my perspective.

My point really, I guess, is manners. Good human decency. And also, understanding. I seriously think people have stopped using their brain cells. They just get heated up and start spewing senseless words to try to get their point across. It’s the closest thing I’ve come to living a Real Housewives of Orange County episode. Where the safety of the internet is used as a shield to ‘yell’ at people things you wouldn’t say at a cocktail party. Only on that show, they will yell at you at a cocktail party.

This is Vickie. Vickie screams a lot when she gets angry. She’ll yell at you for sure.

Immediately after posting this Huff Post article on my Facebook page, one particular woman asked if I’m telling people not to go to Chick Fil A because it supports a man and a woman being married. I said, ” if you don’t agree then that’s your prerogative. I however support marriage rights for all, if others on MY page do too, I thought this would be useful information for them. That is all.” (this is not my personal page, remember, so I don’t know this person.)

She then said,

“YOU are spreading hate waaaaaay more than chick-fil-a did.” (direct quotes copied and pasted from the comment thread on my Facebook page)

Me? Little ol’ me? Because I merely posted an article for people to form their OWN opinion, I’m now spreading hate. OKAYY then.

The part that really riled me up comes next:

A comment from a fellow blogger What I Had Really Meant to Say went something like this- “ever since my lap band, I can’t keep it down, so I don’t go there anymore (to Chick Fil A)”

To which my female commenter said, “you have a lapband and you eat fast food? can you not control yourself? Is that why you had to have surgery to stop eating so much? (you can be a bigoted ass, so can I)”

HMM? Well, lady- NEWSFLASH- Not on MY page you can’t! You disagree with me, fine. You attack someone’s personal revelation of a medical procedure? Whoa, you’ve just jumped the line to RUDE. DISRESPECTFUL. DISGRACEFUL.

Which I then responded with “I haven’t said anything hateful, I have expressed an opinion. Please don’t criticize or judge others on my page. MY opinion is okay because it’s MY page. Chick fil A can do what they want. And as a consumer, I can choose not to support them.”

She then continued to call us all bigots and I warned her to leave my page if she didn’t play nice. She, very much in a playground sort of way, said, “Fine, I’ve ‘unliked’ you already”. Which I guess is her way of not saving me a place at lunch in the cafeteria before recess. Boo hoo, remind me to be sad. (sarcasm folks)

So – here is my point-( sorry, a million words later!)

I think if she said something ENTIRELY different, I would’ve engaged her in a pleasant conversation. One which goes like,
“I’m sorry you feel this way. I didn’t see this article as accurate. I will support eating there anyway.”

To which I would have said, “Thank you for your understanding. We can agree to disagree.”

Well, okay, that’s kind of a Utopian dialogue, but do you see where I’m going with this? She went from 0 to 60 in like 2 seconds flat. She immediately started insulting me and other followers commenting. That is a no-no.

Part of me regrets even posting the article in the first place. I HATE conflict. But then most of me thought to myself, that I have to stand my ground. I will stand politely, with dignity and compassion. But I’m not going to be yelled at (through a key board) or insulted. I know that politics and religion are fodder for much controversy. But not speaking, being apathetic, is frightening to me.

I would like to clarify a few things.

The definition of bigot- Taken from

a person who is intolerant of any ideas other than his or her own, esp on religion, politics, or race

The definition of civil rights- Taken from

1.rights to personal liberty established by the 13th and 14th Amendments to the U.S. constitution and certain Congressional acts, especially as applied to an individual or a minority group.

2.the rights to full legal, social, and economic equality extended to blacks.

Let’s fill in the blanks to this sentence.
“I have no problem with __________________. I just don’t think it’s okay they get married or have the same rights as I do.” 
I’m not okay with this.
I’m a bigot because I support someone else to have the same rights as me? Weird. That wasn’t how I saw it.
Stuff like this always shakes me to my core. Makes me doubt myself. But thanks to lots of others coming to my defense, I felt good about all the positive that comes with my blogging and Facebook page posts.
Will I post things again that are controversial? Probably. Sometimes people can pick an issue with ANYTHING. Once I wrote a Facebook post about being careful out in the sun. An entire debate about SPF and Vitamin D ensued somewhat passionately. Really folks? Why so negative?
You may have noticed a badge on my site called “The Mom Pledge”. I took The Mom Pledge awhile back after reading another blogger discuss their troll, so I posted- I’m Afraid of Trolls. I haven’t even been doing this for a year folks. I don’t get paid. I don’t look for ‘fame’. It’s just me. Take it or leave it. And if you leave it, please don’t throw shit on your way out.
There are three things in life that are most important- to be kind, to be kind, and to be kind. ~Mother Theresa
Well, I hope I haven’t pissed you off too much.
Peace. Really. Peace.

Reasons to Live Friday #8- Happy Birthday Mr. Frugalista…

HHHHHappy Biiiiiirrrthhhdayyyyy TOOOOOOOO yoooooooou……….in my best breathy Marilyn to JFK voice. I’m sure McSweetie would love it if I got that slinky, sparkly dress to serenade him in.

McSweetie’s birthday is today!!

Guess what?? He’s one lucky guy. Not only is he married to, yours truly, and I make him so happy. But I dedicated my bloggy blog today to him. If you think this is a sweet, sentimental road down McSweetie’s life, you are sorely mistaken.

Does he want that? Hmmm, I’m gonna say… no. He’s sentimental, sure. But privately. He doesn’t do PDA. He didn’t propose in public. His thought of an endearing Facebook status is, “Happy birthday today to my wife.” Yeah. He’s deep. But really, he is! When it’s just the two of us. So I’ll save all the mushy, smushy stuff for him later. When I’ve got my riding crop and tassels to wear to give him my gift. OH DARN IT!! I spilled the beans! If he reads this at work, he won’t be surprised tonight. Shucks. <giggle>

So I got him what he wants. Okay, sort of. You know how I have a thing for Mr. Daniel Craig. Well, he kinda has a thing for Ms. Kate Beckinsale. Only he’s a little more discreet than I am.  So I’m giving him a whole blog page today with Kate Beckinsale photos! yay!! Isn’t she somethin’? Now, don’t get me wrong, you know what team I play for, but this girl could have tea and biscuits and make crumbs in my bed, er our bed, er, wait…. that’s just weird. Okay…..

For you my sweet husband- some eye candy. Happy Birthday.

You are my reason to live each and every day!

Balloon gram for a McSweetie, is there a McSweetie in the building?

She plays the villain in the new Total Recall. She really handles that well.

Dayyum!! I can’t decide which is prettier.

Does she have to be THAT beautiful?

Oh wait one more-

Hey this isn’t Kate!
Oh yeah, baby- you’re all mine- smooches!

Blue Steel- it doesn’t get any cooler than this. I know he’s my soul mate when I say ‘Blue Steel’ when we get our picture taken, and we both bust out the Zoolander.

Now before you go all bent out of shape of this wife posting pics of another woman for her man’s birthday. Just know that I am THAT secure in his love for me, and I know what a giggle he’ll get out of this. I love making him laugh. Or the smile he gives me when I think he wants to roll his eyes, but he’s too busy laughing.

Birthday Namaste.

My kids are funny- Part Deux

Does me saying Part Deux in the title remind you of that Charlie Sheen movie? Yeah, me too. I should wear a head band or something.

In this installment of, ‘my kids are funnier than your kids’, cuz face it, they are. I have tried to put on paper (okay computer) what conversations have happened recently. There’s really too many to mention. They are THAT funny. But I will try to keep up. If anything, this is like an entry into their baby book for their grandparent’s sake. I understand if it doesn’t really interest you. Yes, YOU- perfectly nice stranger that takes the time to read my ramblings. Okay-

Having a conversation about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes with my kids: (because who doesn’t do this?? I mean, come on.)

Owen in defense of the guy he only knows from the Mission Impossible movies- “that’s not nice to divorce someone. Why would she divorce him. He’s in cool movies.”

Me- “Well sweetie, he  believes in aliens and he’s a little bit of a weirdo. He was probably very controlling of her and not very nice.”

Emma (using the opportunity to incorporate aliens in the conversation) “Quick grab the tin foil, the aliens are calling. Do as I say woman.”

Me- “let me guess, this is your impression of Tom Cruise being demanding to Katie Holmes?”

Emma- “Yep”


Emma tonight- “It’s probably a party with beer pong, strippers and tequila shots” (her describing a night of debauchery my husband was unable to attend with his guy friends)

Me startled and feigning dismay “How on earth do you know about all those things my dear??”

Emma- “I only learned it all from you!”

SNAP! <<cough Well I NEVER!! cough, cough>>


Owen at tuck in- “Mom, do you ever fart in the toilet?”

Me- “Uhm, all the time, that’s where you do your business.” (Who DOESN”T fart in the toilet?)

Owen- “Yeah, but farting in a toilet echos like farting in a bowl.”

Me- “That’s because it is a bowl dear. Not a bowl like in the kitchen, but a big ceramic bowl of water in the bathroom.”


Me- “How would you know what it sounds like to fart in a bowl?”

Owen- “After eating chips once, when the bowl was empty, I sat on it and farted.”

Ba da bump. Thank you. Thank you. Thankyouverymuch.

Tune in next week when Owen yells, “Hey BEYOTCH, get in here” to the dog when she’s outside barking at the neighbors.

I’ll take extra cheese with that ham please.

I’m tired of being nice

Okay, not really. But can I just rant for a bit? Please? I’ve been really good lately all positive and shit. But sometimes, I just got to let it out. Here goes-

  • People who bring their dogs with them on a summer day in the car and leave them in the parking lot. I don’t care if you crack the windows. I don’t care if it’s cloudy. It’s summer. The car gets hot. YOU sit in a parked car and see how it feels. Just leave them at home. Okay?

Here’s a great little chart of how the temperature changes in a parked car during the summer.

How a car heats up during the day. This site also has tips and facts about preventing pet deaths in parked cars. Use your head people!!

  • Folks who don’t tell their kids that they are being little shits. Now I know that there’s people out there that are real douchecanoes and are mean to their kids. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about parents that just don’t tell their kids to either shut the fuck up, sit still, or keep your goddamn hands to yourself! Don’t let your little monster crinkle their Cheetos bag during a live play (yeah, some kid did this during Emma’s show this weekend), don’t let your spawn splash at the pool so much that folks sitting on deck chairs are getting wet, don’t let your kid pee on the grass at the 4th of July fireworks display next to our lawn chairs. Really. This happened. And out of ten grown-ups, not a one in that group saw this kid drop trou and whip out his wee-wee to pee on the grass. No, I didn’t say anything. Whatevs. But if that was MY kid, I would’ve have used that moment as a learning tool ( I say this in my best Julie Andrews voice).

Public urination is only funny in the movies. Sort of.

  • People who go out in public looking like absolute shit. When you see the dude on his bike, with his hat sideways, looking all gangsta, but wearing alligator pajama bottoms, you seriously scratch your head and think, WTF?

This is the only way I want to see pajama bottoms in public.

  • Drivers texting not looking at the road. Yeah- I’m talking to YOU and YOU and YOU… anyone else? I see moms, teenagers, men, EVERYONE, weaving in and out of their lane, driving under the speed limit. Just fucking drive okay? Especially on the freeway. Sure I use my phone to navigate. I check updates in the car- at stop lights! Not when I’m turning the corner!!
  • And last but not least- rape jokes. Yeah, that’s what I said. Rape jokes. Daniel Tosh is funny, but not when he gets pissed at a heckler and asks the audience if  it would be funny if she was raped by like ‘5 guys’. Huh, gee Tosh, who’s the douche now? Daily Beast article Tosh’s rape joke, NOT FUNNY. This goes along with you don’t joke about children being molested or babies being harmed. I remember watching the auditions of Last Comic Standing on NBC and a wanna-be comic had in their routine something about kicking a baby. The judges just cut them off right there and were like, ‘dude, you don’t joke about shit like that. You’re done.’

So there’s my piss list. I feel better getting that off my chest.

Thanks. Now, stay calm and have a cup of tea. Cheerio.