A Tutorial on Spanx*

*Or, how to stuff your muffin top into a Lycra tube.

Listen ladies (and men, cuz there is SPANX for men out there, but let’s pretend we didn’t know that), it’s not that hard. I’ve been wearing SPANX for years.

Yes, it’s a fancy name for a girdle. Yes, it’s not cheap to buy at Nordstrom. HOWEVER, it’s a helluva lot more comfortable than the old fashioned girdles of the 50s. I don’t know this personally. I’m only 40. But I can only guess since back then, the fabric didn’t ‘breathe’ a whole lot.

So yes, SPANX can be uncomfortable. Yes, SPANX can be hot in summer. And yes, there is that weird crotch hole in some. I will explain more on that later. BUT- it does slim, trim and whittle you down under clothes. I don’t care what size you are- the point is to be smooth and bulge-free under your clothes.

So if you are bulging out over your pants, or your back fat over your bra- then you’re wearing the wrong garment. Everyone’s complaint about Spanx is that it just pushes the fat to a different place. Well, that’s not entirely true. You need to push the fat IN and spread it OUT under the steel clad grip of the garment.

Oh and just a side note- the crotch hole is only for peeing. Not for pooping or sex. Just don’t go there.

I’ll demonstrate. Please sit back and enjoy this lengthy movie I made for your viewing pleasure. It’s like an infomercial. A little redundant, not as long, and DEFINITELY way more entertaining.

And I was not endorsed by SPANX at all in the making of this video. But I gotta say, if Sara Blakely wants to come and deliver me a truckload of these things, I’m her gal. Yes- I put SPANX on in the video.  You’ll see.  Have I NO SHAME?

54 thoughts on “A Tutorial on Spanx*

  1. oh sweet Lord….I have experienced the “roll up”. It is not pretty. You are highlarious. I can’t believe you did this!!! HAHAHA!

  2. YOU ARE HILARIOUS!!!!!! and you really don’t even need the damn Spanx. You should get paid for this though…because I am going to buy the same ones stat! I have 2 pairs of the Spanx camisoles and they aren’t doing much for the muffin top…

  3. I’m glad to know it’s not just me that finds my little sister hilarious. There are tears in my eyes. And for those of us who’ve never seen Spanx in action, thank you. I now have a much clearer idea of the concept.

  4. I just watched all 8 minutes and 48 seconds of that and honestly laughed so hard at your dance break that I cried. Thank you for starting my morning off right. Now I need to go buy some Spanx…

  5. OMG! You really do have no shame!! LOL…you had me at “lady bits” 🙂 And I have to say, we need to work on a bedroom makeover if you’re going to be doing more shoots from in there 🙂 Love you!

  6. OK, so I learned. So. Much. First, who the fuck knew I was supposed to go panty-less in the Spanx? The idea skeeves me a bit, but it makes sense. Second, there is a crotchless version and they claim it’s to make it easier to pee? I’m going to call bullshit on that one. I’m guessing too many men couldn’t wait the half hour it took their ladies to get out of that contraption so they put in an easy access door. Third, I bought a knock off and it didn’t do shit and after seeing the real deal in action I understand why. It looks like I’m going to have to shell out the buckage for the name brand. Fourth, it is a fucking workout to get that shit on and you’re tiny as hell. I will have a heart attack trying to get those mofos on, plus, I’m 5 feet tall, the extra tall top will go up OVER my boobs. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us and your love of Salt n Peppa.

    • I’m telling you- the pee hole works!! For reals! AND the hole is not, I repeat, not for sex. Don’t ask.
      Yes, it is a workout. Notice I’m a little winded when all is said and done. And that wasn’t because of the dancing. 🙂 Thanks for watching!

  7. After having 4 kids in 4 years, Spanx have become one of my new BFFs. The cheapies do not work the same; I HATE the roll. I love this video! Now I know what I look like when I get dressed (and probably dancing too) Extra bonus I’ve found, Spanx hide the beer belly when drinking.

  8. Two things: I am glad to know I am putting Spanx on correctly. I was beginning to think I was the only women in the world who felt like she had run a marathon after pulling those suckers on. And secondly, I’m glad to know I am dancing correctly- I can totally do those dance moves. Go Me! I am Awesome. Right? Right?

  9. Oh my this is hilarious! I love my Spanx. They have ones like that one with straps to attach to your bra is you’re leery about the top rolling down. Worked great. AND make sure the get the right size! Don’t try to go a size smaller thinking it will make you look better. It will not.

  10. This was pure genius!!!! I was wondering why the knock offs sucked so bad…the top always rollllllllls down. Drove me batty.

    You are hysterical!!!!!!

    You need to market yourself.

    Frugalista does infomercials-a really funny woman who can sell anything good to real women. Just send her free stuff and voila, increased sales are just an 8 minute VLOG away!!!!

    XOXO

  11. Hysterical! And I’m so glad I’m not the only one who gets winded trying to slip into le Spanx. Ok, who am I kidding . . . I sometimes break a sweat. No joke. It’s a damn workout but totally worth it. I’d sleep in them if I could. 🙂

  12. Hysterical! Thank you for the giggles. I feel much better knowing I’m not the only one who gets winded while trying to get myself stuffed into these. Who am I kidding . . . I actually break a sweat at times. No joke. Love Spanx and would sleep in them if I could. 🙂

  13. OK I need advice. As a single girl what would be your advice to wear these out to the club or on a hot date….let’s pretend he’s a hot guy and you might end up going back to his place and yada yada yada? How can you wear this and get away with it? What if he puts his hand up ur shirt or something lol

  14. Pingback: LINK UP: If Mommy Bloggers Ran Late Night TV

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s