I know I’m being kind of redundant with that title. “All go”, then typing, “y’all” is sort of similar. But I’m making a point. Kind of. Cuz this ain’t my first rodeo folks. See what I did there?
I took the kids to the State Fair (I’m going to capitalize Fair so you know how important it is) on Friday. We call it the Puyallup Fair. It’s in the city of Puyallup. It’s huge. Not the city, the Fair. Puyallup is kind of a rural/ suburban mix of a town about an hour southeast of Seattle. The Puyallup, as it’s called here, is a big deal. The motto is ‘Doin’ the Puyallup’. I’ve done this Fair for more than 30 years. It was my first date with McSweetie 17 years ago. This is your typical Fair with corn dogs, 4-H barns, and camel rides. What? What’s that you say? Your Fair doesn’t have camel rides? For shame! Does your Fair have zebras? Well, I didn’t think so! Yep, we have an ‘animals of the world’ barn. Right next to the dairy barn with cows and sheep, and just yonder from the petting barn (no, not where horny teenagers make out).
I will say, the whole experience was a mixture of good Karma meets Wal-mart night club. Let me explain. We got there just before 5pm. The kids each had their free student tickets. I’ve never actually remembered to bring them in year’s past. So actually saving the 10 bucks or whatever it is for them to get in, was a proud moment for me. On our way to the entrance, a woman asks if we’ve bought our tickets yet. I said, no, but I wasn’t going to go into the spiel about how I had free kids tickets and just needed one…. blah blah blah. So I just said no. Then she says, ‘here, have my ticket. I have an extra one.’ For reals? Yep. No problem. So cool! First hit of the Karma fairy.
First stop as soon as we got in, the Elephant Ears. Elephant Ears are big large tortilla like things they deep fry, put butter and sugar and cinnamon on. Or jam. I got one of each. I didn’t eat both of them, we shared them between the three of us. Okay, the kids shared one, and I had the whole of the other. Stop judging! However, when we were in line buying them, a woman handed me her ride pass. She said she was done and they were leaving but we could have the remaining tickets on the card. OKAAAY then. Thank you very much kind stranger. Karma fairy AGAIN!
Here’s me eating an Elephant Ear. They are yummy. A hot cup of tea would have hit the spot since it made me thirsty, but oh well. I didn’t see any pots of Ceylon black tea at one of the corn on the cob roaster shacks. So I just sucked it up.
Next stop- roller coaster.
This was Owen’s first real roller coaster. Emma had been to Silverwood theme park in Idaho over the summer and rode one there. I hadn’t ridden a roller coaster in ages. These aren’t HUGE roller coasters like at the top of some big Vegas skyscraper. These are just rinky dink roller coasters. They load us up and I’m sure to have everything strapped down. The last thing I want is my sunglasses flying off my head, or my fillings falling out. So I braced for impact. Not that anything was going to hit us. But you know how it is riding a roller coaster. You hold on. None of that, hands above my head crap. No. I held on to that safety bar like I was Rose on the Titanic floating on that door whatever piece of wood in the cold Atlantic. “I won’t let you go” And let me tell you one other thing. Fear is funny. I was so scared that this little four-seater roller coaster car was going to just fling off the rails and fly us into the parking lot. Or onto the 4-H barn roof where the ‘animals of the world’ were, that I started laughing like a crazy person. I couldn’t stop laughing. Between the extreme butt-clenching, white knuckled holding on to the safety bar business, and the laughing hysterically, my whole body was spent and tired when we got off, like I just did cross-fit for 90 minutes. And my mascara was down my face. And I think I swallowed a bug.
Owen proceeded to exit the roller coaster car looking like he might cry. He bucked up though and just said, “I don’t think I liked that.” This was a really puny roller coaster. Let me just be clear. No loopy-deloops. No upside down or crazy rocket propulsion. Just regular. But he didn’t care for it. Did that stop him from wanting to go on the ferris wheel next? No.
Let me explain why I hate the ferris wheel. I don’t like heights. I have a fear of high places. I can be in buildings, and look safely out the window. But put me on a tight rope, hot air balloon (hell to the no, if I ever go in one of those death baskets) or ferris wheel, I will crap my pants. Okay, not full on crap. Maybe just a slight tinkle of wee out of fear. I can’t stand when they are loading and unloading the ride and they stop you while you are hanging out in your ‘gondola’ way at the tippy top. Oh, and if you have some smart ass shit for brains who thinks it’s funny to rock that fucker back and forth, you have another thing coming. Did you notice how my profanity just hit a new level in that sentence? Yeah, that’s because this is serious. You don’t mess with me on a ferris wheel. So when we were at the tippy top and the kids thought, maybe, just maybe they would wiggle around in that thing. OH, I put the kabosh on that. I threatened with granola bars and water in the car and heading home early. NO FUNNEL CAKE FOR YOU!! But gladly, they didn’t even try, well okay, Emma teased a little, to rock that thing or merely even sway it slightly. Phew. I made it safely to the blessed ground below. And let me also explain that they don’t serve cocktails at this Fair either. I could’ve used a stiff gin and tonic right then and there.
Can I just say that all Fair employees look like they are out on a work release program or they are recovering meth addicts. I don’t think one ride operator had a full set of teeth. It was like walking into a family reunion of the Clampets. Is this Appalachia people?
So my reference to the Wal-mart night club is now going to be explained. At least, I’m going to assume this is the reason why I saw 19 year olds in 6 inch stilettos at the State Fair. Pitbull was the concert over at the mainstage. We did not get tickets. But we could hear him and we did see some of it on the jumbotron. I can only imagine that the pole dancing high-heeled wearing, tube skirt hiked up to our butt cheeks twentysomethings were there to see Pitbull. Because nothing says fun going through the agriculture display like patent leather pumps and a mini skirt.
No, I did not try the deep fried butter. Sadly, there was no hummus vendor or kale on a stick. I’M KIDDING! Who would WANT that at a Fair anyway??
The Karma fairy hit once again before we were ready to leave. A few folks came over and gave us THEIR ride pass since they were leaving and it had a few left on it. SERIOUSLY?? What is with all the generous strangers out there? Where are you at Christmas time in line at Costco, or Black Friday in line at Target? This pay it forward business needs to go on year ’round people!
So the kids gladly rode another spinny dizzy ride. Every ride spins or jerks. Or slings you high into the air. Every Dateline story of mishaps at Fairs was running through my head. I’m a little bit paranoid.
I also might have held both my kids’ hands at all times. It got dark and it was crowded.
The Fair reminds us of humanity, terribly obese Americans eating fried food, how cute livestock is, and if you need to tether your child to something called a fuzzy backpack with a leash on the end- I’m not going to judge you.
Where else can you buy electric cigarettes, the most powerful blender on earth, fake ponytails and personalized butt pads?
It really is awesome. And thankfully, for my clenched buttocks, only comes once a year.