Archive | October 5, 2012

Douchey kids and parents without a sense of humor.

I am pretty nice. I am. Ask folks. But I do bottle up my frustrations. So I’m smiling on the outside, and inside, I’m shaking my head going , ‘what the fuck?’  WHAT in THEEE FUCK are you thinking people?

Okay, here goes. Deep breath.

Do you lie to your kids? YES! We all do people. Our mom shaming craze is taking over Facebook. Woo hoo. I love a funny joke. I am the queen of self deprecation. I will dance around in a leotard wearing a turban if it makes you laugh.

But if you don’t think when I confess things I do behind my children’s backs isn’t funny- that’s okay. I guess. But I guess we won’t be friends. And that’s okay too. I mean, how do you NOT laugh at such honesty from moms?

Poor Somewhat Sane Mom got in some trouble from some ass-holey trolls who said she was a mean mom, a liar, a bitch, she needed to go grocery shopping, they felt sorry for her kids. Whatever.

Wow. All over a granola bar. A fucking granola bar. You say there are no more in the box. Eat one behind their back. No biggy. A unicorn isn’t going to drop dead somewhere people. Tinkerbell isn’t going to die because you told a fib to your kids.

Here’s a fib I tell my kids. Put your tooth under your pillow so the Tooth Fairy can come and bring you a dollar.

Yeah. That is called a LIE folks. Do you tell your kids- “put your tooth under your pillow so I can trip over random objects in the dark while you sleep and try to shove a dollar under your sleeping little melon without waking you up.” Huh, do you?

Lighten up people.

When you see a splayed out opossum on the road with it’s entrails on the concrete out like sausage and meatballs, do you say, “Wow, sucks to be that fella. Must have hurt real bad when the front end of a large moving vehicle crushed his insides and caused massive injuries and bleeding.” Huh, do you?  Or do you say, “that little opossum is sleeping with someone’s ground hamburger next to them.”

Do you see my point here?

Okay, I would also like to address the assholey little crotch fruit of other people that like to go around kicking, smacking or just spewing their little demon antics on every one.

When your kid hauls off and hits another kid, do you stay standing 10 feet away and say, “hey, let’s not hit, okay?” Or do you run on over to your uterus spawn and take his arm and say, “knock it off! Apologize or we are leaving!” Huh, do  you?

Just asking. Because I see a lot of just parenting from the sidelines. When my kids would do shitty behavior, especially around the age of when shitty behavior is rampant- translation- preschool years through elementary on through middle school…. (ha ha, I’m kidding)… I would get up in their grill and make sure they knew that I was on to them.

Are parents afraid of hurting their kid’s feelings? Are they afraid that if they blow it off in front of other parents those parents will somehow not notice the douchey behavior of the other kid?

Don’t raise a Nellie.

I don’t know.

So there you have it people. My rant on people who parent without a sense of humor and assholey uterus spawn whose parents enable their assholey-ness.

I can only save the world so many folks at a time. If you need a funny intervention or a wake-up call regarding your kid, just message me and I’ll slap some sense into you.

Reason To Live Friday #18-

The last few RTLF have been heavy and sad for Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. So I’m going to keep this light. Keep it fresh and jazzy. That’s me, fresh and jazzy.

This will be a list of things I have found to be quite grateful for in the last week.

A car that works. God bless getting in your car each day and the key turns in the ignition and all systems are go. It feels so good. My minivan had a bit of a glitch that put a crimp on my outings with my girlfriend who was in town last weekend. Nothing worse than starting your vehicle and the gear shift won’t budge. Even worse when you are at a restaurant on a Saturday night wondering how in the heck you’re getting out of the parking lot.

This brings me to-

girlfriends that make me laugh so hard, I cry. While we were experiencing this little bit of car trouble, she and I tried reading the owners manual and trouble shooting. Something sounded so ridiculous and we burst in fits of laughter. The kind of laughter where no sound comes out, and tears go down your face. You know the kind. I hope you do. Because that is the best type of high there is.

Healthy kids. It really is THE most important part of life. If your loved ones aren’t healthy, it’s devastating. My kids each came down with the sniffles this last week. Easy stuff. Only Emma missed a day of school. I am so grateful that they are growing, strong kids. The opposite is unthinkable.

Bed warmers. Not the 18th century kind that have coal in them and go under the mattress. No, this is a heated mattress cover. The evenings are so chilly now climbing into a bed that is already warm, is blissful. Forgetting to turn down the heater and falling asleep with the dog, then waking up drenched in a perimenapausal sweat, is something else.

Sweet and helpful kids. I’m not sure I know what they are. Just kidding! Yes, they are shits that don’t clean their rooms and insist I get up every 5 minutes for dumb stuff like juice and cereal. But this week, Owen got up before me and made the morning tea. It melted my heart to see him in the kitchen, trying to do it exactly how I do. It was lukewarm and way too sugared, but gosh darn, did I love that he did it.

Weekend. Well, since I’m a mom Friday isn’t really as exciting as it is to the rest of the working world. Usually there’s more work to be done when the family is home and not at school or work. But I will still enjoy sleeping in a little bit. The kids are older so we all sleep in now. Emma and I are doing a girls movie on Saturday while the boys take in a hockey game. Since this weekend isn’t jam packed with activities and outings, I will embrace it’s coziness. I will eat yummy things and watch old movies. Until my children turn on Spongebob and then I’ve got to run the laundry. Oh well.

Here’s to the weekend, and being grateful.

Namaste.