Wife Confession: I enjoy the hubs away on business trips. Short ones, of course.

I think the further into marriage and kids you delve, the more you realize how much you like to be alone. Or is that just me?

I love my kids, I love my husband. Blah blah blah. You know this to be true. But come on. I love being alone. I’m the Greta Garbo of my peers. Leave me alone to bask in the glow of the reality TV show from my flat screen. Let me nap with the dog on the couch. Let me go poop by myself and change my maxi pad without interruption.

So when McSweetie had a business trip this week, I felt more sense of me time than just when he’s at work. Why? Maybe because after the kids go to bed, I rule the family room and the remote. Okay, I rule the remote most nights anyway. BUT. I got to sit around, pass gas, drink wine and watch all the Lifetime movies a girl could want. And they were holiday Lifetime movies. Even better.

So hubs comes home in the evening from the airport, kids are happy to see him, yada yada, and I’m moaning on the couch  before it’s time to tuck in the boy. I’ve heated up the hot pad twice and stuffed it in my pajama pants. This my friends, is a clear signal that Aunt Flo has come to town and she’s brought her suitcase. Did McSweetie notice this? Not so much. He asks what’s wrong. I mouth ‘cramps’ and give that all knowing look like, ‘poor me, I has armageddon uterus.’ What does he do? He gives me the exasperated look like, ‘didn’t you just have your period’, and says to me “that’s not what I was expecting.”

I stayed quiet, popped some Aleve and reheated my heat pad. I waited for him to fall asleep on the couch while I concocted this entire speech in my head.

Here goes:

“THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU WERE EXPECTING? REALLY? Yeah, well, newsflash bucko, it’s been 25 days since the last one. I’m sorry I wasn’t greeting you at the door wearing nothing but a trench coat and had the kiddos already tucked in bed sleeping soundly so we could have wild monkey sex on the dining room table. Which if you hadn’t noticed already was cleared off of its crap from the last several months.

Yeah, and another thing. You probably thought, ‘oh bummer, looks like the wifey isn’t up for some lovin’ tonight. Whoa is me, I won’t get some.’ But did you ever think- ‘Awww, poor thing. Look at her. She’s done all the chores and even scrubbed the base boards (I did actually, can you believe it?!) and she has an achy uterus and feels poorly.’

But did you think that? Hmm, did you?? NO. Of course you didn’t.

You don’t care that the pain I feel in my baby box slightly resembles that of the first few hours of labor. Where my endometrial lining is screaming at me and I have pain spasms all the way down my butt. Yeah. So there.

Don’t mind me. I just dropped off your dry cleaning, kept the children alive, washed the sheets, scrubbed the base boards (Did I mention I scrubbed the baseboards?) and cleaned up some crap from forever ago, and am sitting here being miserable in my female-ness that I have NO CONTROL over!

So yeah. Go fall asleep on the couch. No nookie for you.


9 thoughts on “Wife Confession: I enjoy the hubs away on business trips. Short ones, of course.

  1. OMG! I’ve so had those days (not the baseboard cleaning part, but everything else). I love the husband and kids too, but OH! how I bask in my alone time. I think its just the freedom of not having to answer to anyone for that small amount of time, and not having to be responsible for everything and everyone at every second. My hubs was actually gone a little late last night working on a project for his dad, and while I’m feeling myself winding down and wanting to hop on the computer and look for a job, and catch up on email, etc., I’m like, “Oh ya, I have to get the kids off the Xbox and help them with their homework, and get the kids a snack, and get them upstairs to brush their teeth, and get them to bed, and explain to the 6-yr-old that we don’t have time this evening to continue our Monopoly game we started the other night, and console the 9-yr-old whose world is apparently ending because the kitten got a hole of the ‘Get Out of Jail Card’ and left bite marks in it essentially ruining our ‘limited edition’ Monopoly game…..” You know, basically another 2 hours of taking care of everyone else’s needs.

  2. Omg, I seriously laughed so hard I was crying! Why do men not get this concept of what hell we go through once a month. Oh yeah, it’s because it doesn’t happen to them, so therefore it doesn’t really exist (like the tree falling in the forest). My grandmother was right though when she said that if you let one man have a baby the human race would die off!!

  3. OH MY GOD, SO TRUE!!! I also thoroughly enjoy it when husband comes home from work to a extremely frazzeled me who also worked a full day and then picked up the baby, fed him, bathed him, packed his bag for the next day, took care of the dog, etc, etc, etc and asks what’s for dinner….

  4. If I could still have babies, I’d want to have yours. Holy MOLEY this is my life you’re talking about (well, except for that silly baseboard cleaning thing. I’m allergic to baseboard cleaning) but other than that, you’re like, writing my life story!!!

  5. I am convinced that if men got periods, they would have figured out an easy way to stop them once you no longer “needed” them. (You know…like a vasectomy) Alas, we just have to suffer monthly!

  6. I’m on Mirena and haven’t had a period in over a year and a half, but I never bothered to tell my husband. I still need that “down time” every once in a while… So sometimes I totally fake it. Is that a horrible thing?

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