Tag Archive | behaviors

Apes are not monkeys and monkeys are not apes

Do YOU know the difference? Well, I’m sure you do, but keep reading. I’ll explain.

The family took a trip to the zoo last week. It was good for the 4 of us to get out and do something because we are kinda home bodies and we need to do things out in public and not just snuggle inside watching Harry Potter over and over and blogging. Not that the kids blog, but you know what I mean.

I realized that this trip isn’t just about watching the animals. It’s about watching the people. Between the kids on leashes and the tatted husbands pushing strollers, it’s fun to see all the socialization of primates. We’ll talk more about that later.

As we entered the park, the lemurs were first to see. There was a large flat rock with about 5 of them hanging out in a bunch. The funny thing about lemurs- remember Zaboomoofoo? Loved that show on PBS! Anyway, they sit together lounging like bff’s. They’re so chill. Just hangin’. One would sniff the air. He must’ve had an orthodontia problem because his tongue was always sticking out. Emma said he looked stoned. She only knows this phrase of course, because of the drug and alcohol awareness training they give at school.

As I’m trying to not let the talk of drugs drift over to the younger kids in the crowd and of course, avoid any judgemental looks from their parents, it’s hard not to laugh at the total stoned looks on these lemurs faces. Seriously? Do they get a Benadryl pill with breakfast? Watching them in their little lemur pile, doze and lick each other was very entertaining. Not to mention the one lemur cleaning his 6 inch wanker. That was also entertaining. And awkward.

When we went to the primate exhibit there was a siamang sitting in the grass pulling up tufts of grass and eating them. What’s a siamang? It looks like a mini chimpanzee.  Black and not a monkey. Monkeys have tails. The siamangs (part of the ape family) don’t have tails. And there you have zoology 101. While sitting there chomping on his grass, Emma says, ‘mom, that looks like you eating chips’. Nice one daughter. I’ll remember that when I’m drafting the will.

We met Bobby and Suzi- two gibbons (Gibbons are also primates- not monkeys- OH MY GOSH- you are learning so much!) who are ‘mated for life’. Except Suzi is on birth control because Bobby is really horny and there are too many Bobby’s in the animal kingdom. So in order to be all kosher with the zoo animal gods that be, Bobby and Suzi can not mate. Then there’s Cho Cho. Cho Cho is also a gibbon who is like 100 in dog years. Okay, he’s 47. Apparently, he is the Mick Jagger of the gibbon world. This guy- which the zoo attendant (zoo keeper for crying out loud) was really excited to point out-  has worn out 2 previous females. Good lord! This gibbon gets some tail! Ooops, sorry, not a monkey- this gibbon gets ass.

Apparently, gibbons mate for life, but they are ‘socially monogamous’. Meaning, they’ll hang out with the same gibbon until another female gibbon gives it up for them. This is bull shit. How is this called mating for life? Clearly, some male scientist came up with this verbage! WTF? Oh, because it helps their gene pool! Pssht! Yeah, right. So they mate for life, and then they go to a neighborhood barbecue and Cho Cho meets Charo and decides he needs a new mate for the gene pool and then now they’re shacking up and got a double wide with an above ground pool. Cho Cho doesn’t need to worry about a lawyer because this is all cool in the gibbon world. Forget how the first Mrs. Cho Cho feels. He’s just doing this for the gene pool.

I went over to McSweetie and said, ‘I was going to say how cute you are like Cho Cho, but now he’s a whore in my book, so we’re clear what’s good for YOUR gene pool, right?’  McSweetie laughed.

Speaking of other primates-

Kids on leashes? Love them? Hate them? I’m not going to even weigh in. Some little kids are pure demons. They need to be tied down. Some children I think, are just victims of their parent’s laziness. Do what you gotta do, I guess.

Whenever we are out in public and if I get cranky and tell McS something in a somewhat bossy tone, he always gets really sensitive. He’s all, why are you talking to me like that so everyone can hear? And I’m all, why are you being a dumb ass for everyone to see?

But after being at the zoo, I witnessed so many other wives and girlfriends nag and yell at their guys, so I felt so much better about my nagging. I pointed out to McS, how much better my nagging is than those other wives’ nagging. Right?

Plus, he is NOT Cho Cho. So he better not wander around to some other nagging primate just for, you know I’m gonna say it, THE GENE POOL!

The best part of this zoo trip- my kids never ONCE asked us to go to the gift shop. Winning. Right there.