Tag Archive | pregnancy

Dear Weight Watchers, I would like to lose my post-partum baby weight too.

I heard that Jessica Simpson has already penned a deal with Weight Watchers to lose her post-partum weight. That is fantastic! So many folks and bloggers are discussing how this could be negative to other expecting mothers and what message this sends. I’m sorry. What message does it send? Uhm, women like to lose weight after having a baby? Yeah, that message. Oh, maybe the message is ‘it’s not fair some women get paid to lose their baby weight?’ Yeah, that’s the message I get.

I put on 40+ pounds with each kid. I have two kids. I say ‘+’ because I don’t remember the final number when they weighed me before delivery. Considering with both pregnancies I put on 5 pounds of water in 24 hours due to high blood pressure right before I delivered. Do you know what happens to midsection flesh that’s given 5 pounds of water within a few hours? STRETCHMARKS. On my ankles. And my ass. Just like when your milk comes in overnight to what were size 32AA boobs. STRETCHMARKS. The skin was so thin on my chest I could actually see my heart beating through my rib cage. Okay, not really. I like to exaggerate a smidge.

This is not me. I didn't take a picture of my stretch marks. But clearly, this is exactly the reason I was not asked to pose on the cover of Elle naked and pregnant. The only reason, I'm sure.

Back to Jessica- I would LOVE to be paid to lose some baby weight. I’m 9 years post partum and I think I’m a perfect candidate to be Weight Watcher’s spokesperson. I have yet to lose those last stubborn 10 pounds. The first 30 pounds were easy. Have you heard of breast feeding? IT BURNS CALORIES! Yes, folks. Mothers all know this little gem of the first 6 weeks of  post partum. You are burning calories like Michael Phelps training for the Beijing Olympics. If you breast feed an Owen, like I did, you will be nursing every 45 minutes and sweating during a June heat wave. I lost 6 pounds a day in liquid. I swear.

When you’re pregnant with a girl, like Jessica is, you gain weight like an inner tube. With a boy, you carry like a beach ball. I looked like I swallowed a Boppy when I was pregnant with Emma. When your blood pressure spikes, like mine did, your face puffs up like Lindsay Lohan after her Dysport injections. Your feet don’t even fit in your husband’s shoes. It’s sad. But, that’s what breast feeding is for. Or at least those first 6 weeks when the uterus likes to contract back to it’s original size. OH, wait? You mean, you don’t remember reading that in any pregnancy books? It was the very fine print that came with an asterisk, I’m sure. Yeah, bleeding nipples, maxi pads the size of Smart Cars and cramps. Mother fucking cramps like a period you never dreamed of.  At least that’s what happened to me.

A Boppy pillow. Also known as my waist.

It’s not fair that celebrities get stuff for free, stuff paid for, multi-million dollar endorsement deals to pay for their trainers and nutritionists. Don’t you think she would lose the weight anyway? She doesn’t need a contract to encourage her. Am I jealous that she gets to eat whatever the hell she wants and knows that after the baby is born she will be making serious cash and eating watercress from her treadmill not thinking about deprivation because she will be so flippin rich? Yes. I am.

Why you would wear this, pregnant or not, I don't know. But if Weight Watchers wants me to- I will.

So, like I said; Dear Weight Watchers, please give me a multi-million dollar endorsement deal to lose my last 10 pounds of baby weight. Apparently, I didn’t have enough incentive all these years.  I wish Jessica the best with her new baby girl Maxipad Maxi, but I deserve the money and the incentive more. I’m almost 40, my kids need to go to college and my husband and I need a retirement fund. I can represent ‘real moms’ everywhere, not just celebrity moms that get shit done for them anyway. It would be a miracle to have what 80% of the women in my age and demographic have called, ‘the last 10 pounds’ to be gone for good.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Frugalista

Jessica Simpson to sign with Weight Watchers to lose her baby weight.

 

Welcome to the segment I like to call- people who I hope aren’t really stupid but just say stupid things.

When you are a parent you are open to a huge amount of unsolicited advice and questions about your parenting and/or your children.

It starts with pregnancy-

When are you due? Okay this one is harmless and I ask it too.

Why didn't I think of this? Mine would have had a nice 'now STFU' embroidered underneath it.

What are you having? A baby.

Oh you aren’t big at all. Seriously? I’ve gained 40 pounds, can’t see my feet or tie my shoes, and when I sit on the toilet I lean back because my belly hits my knees;  but sure, I am so petite. Yeah.

Oh you are big. No shit.

Then comes the baby-

What’s his name? HER name is….was the pink hat a clue? How about the dress? I don’t mind gender neutral babies, people who don’t like pink fluffy stuff. That’s fine. But if the baby is wearing pink, I’m pretty darn sure it’s a girl.

"CUTE! What's his name?"

The following questions are my favorite:

My friend is half Korean, her husband is Chinese. Her daughters both look Asian. I guess my friend looks less Asian. While out with her infant daughter at a store, a woman asked, “Where did you get her?” I guess she meant what country and that my friend’s daughter looked nothing like her; ergo she’s adopted. Whatevs.

"Cute baby. Where did you get it?"


My husband’s cousin has three children. I am one of three children. My husband is one of three children. There’s a lot of people with three children. When mentioned cousin was out with all three of her children the other day the words, ‘you have your hands full‘ were used. This is par for the course. Then, the woman asked, ‘Are they all yours?‘ She’s not Octomom for crying out loud!

"OOH, she looks like she has her hands full." Duh.

Other mundane conversation starters- Is he sleeping through the night? You’re using cloth diapers? Good luck with that!

She still sleeps in your bed?

You’re STILL breast feeding?    What? It’s not like he’s TEN!

OOh, you STOPPED breast feeding? That’s sad.  My nipples had fallen off and the doctor recommended I stop.

You look tired.

Thanks. I am. Of you.

This picture is so unrealistic. I haven't gotten an ironing board out in 12 years.