Tag Archive | rant

Don’t be a douchey parent (or adult), Part deux

frugalistablog don't be a douche parent

Anyone that knows me in real life, knows I’m a pretty level-headed person. I’m rational, calm and quite friendly. I don’t react impulsively and I’m usually pretty good at de-escalating conflict. Okay, McSweetie would say differently. He thinks I troll for arguments with him like it’s a sport. That’s another topic entirely.

So when I feel like going all honey badger on someone’s ass, it isn’t often. And I get the pleasure of doing it virtually via my blog. Voila. Wanna vent? Get a blog, it’s cheaper than therapy. I’ve griped before – read here.

There are two categories to this rant- parents of children in sports and adults who are in charge of children, i.e. coaches or teachers.

1) Parents of Children in Sports:

Let me address you bluntly. Your kid is not the next David Beckham or the next Buster Posey. And if they are, well, they are just going to have to learn to play with the ‘little’ players. Hearing from you that you feel the team’s downfall is due to the fact that there’s new kids on the team and it’s better to have the ‘core’ team get to focus on playing time, is absolute utter bull shit and pretty much a false reality.

Do you believe in unicorns too?

So when a new kid comes into your kid’s classroom, do you ask the principal for that new kid to be moved to a different class? Wouldn’t want that ‘core’ group to be disrupted huh? All that important synergy could go down the tubes.

Or when your hot shot kid player does go pro, will he never be traded? Never be cut from a roster and forced to play on a – heavens no- NEW team?? Oh gads, the shock! Teaching our children to adapt and learn to play with others is so… uhm…. hard. Yeah.

If you haven’t figured out already- I’m being totally sarcastic here and you need to get your head out of your ass. The real world goes like this- people come and go in groups, whether it be teams, classrooms, neighborhoods… get used to it. And there’s no “I” in TEAM or GROUP. There’s ‘I’ in DICKHEAD though. And ISLAND. Perhaps you should go to one and leave the rest of us to play nicely with each other.

2) Adults who teach and coach little kids:

Let’s see, how can I put this mildly? Don’t be an asshole. Oh wait, that wasn’t so mild was it?

Don’t yell at my kid and their teammates and tell them they lost because they are a group of losers that don’t deserve to win. They are little kids. This isn’t the Marines. I’m not paying the club $100 for my child to be degraded by a parent who thinks he’s all that because he can tell a bunch of children what to do, or he’s frustrated because they aren’t executing what you’ve been coaching to them. I know- so frustrating, kind of like, uhm, PARENTING IN GENERAL. They are kids. They are still learning. They probably won’t get it the 10th time or the 100th time. But count to ten and start again. I know- sometimes PBS can be helpful.

Not sure where you got your Coaching 101 skills but even though you aren’t getting a paycheck for this gig, you need to keep your cool. If we hold our teachers to a standard in a classroom, we should hold our coaches to a standard on the field.

Is it hard volunteering and corraling herds of cats, er little shits? Yes. Trust me- I’ve organized and run 5 talent shows at my daughter’s school. Five. Wrangling 50 plus kids who are singing the latest Miley Cyrus song or banging out chopsticks on the piano for the millionth time is damn nerve wracking. But I didn’t lose my shit. I saved that for home. If I lose my shit, it will be in front of my own kids. Not the kids I’m put to be in charge of. And most of the time I just made a gin and tonic and got in the bathtub afterwards. It does wonders. You should try it.

We teach our children to use their words. To be kind. To treat others as they want to be treated. Well parents,  it’s time to go back to preschool. You haven’t been using your words kindly or treating others how you would want to be treated.

Everyone gets a chance to play, and everyone deserves a chance to be respected. So there- off to the time out chair, parents AND coaches- you’ve been naughty.

Mom on Strike

Dear Family,

This is not the NFL. No replacement refs here. No SCABS.

When you wake up in the morning, get your own damn waffle. You can reach the toaster.

Pack your lunch.

When you can’t find your socks, look in the drawer. Or the dryer, or the hamper. Have you ran the washing machine? It’s not magic, it doesn’t run on its own. Oh and don’t just load the blasted thing, put that shit in the dryer, then FOLD. IT. Yep. Guess what? Folding and putting the laundry away is THE BORING part. Uh huh. You may think ‘you’re all that’, putting them dirty clothes in the machine. But that don’t make you a hero.
The battle is in the taking those socks, making them into sock balls. Taking t-shirts that are inside out and putting them right side in.  Or out. Whatever. Oh dear GOD how does every motha fuckin’ shirt get inside out in the wash??? I don’t take off my shirts and put them over my head like that. Is that necessary?

Okay, moving on.

Garbage on the floor. Throw away your own furkin’ wrappers, kleenexes, band-aids, used ones especially, popsicle sticks, gogurt tubes…. oh my gads, is this a frat house??? Throw away all toe nail clippings. I shouldn’t have to ask you twice.

After dinner, if I’m at a PTA meeting, you know one of the many things I do for free, don’t just pile up the dishes on the counter over the dishwasher. Put them IN it. Put the pans in the sink. Put away any leftover food in the refrigerator. Oh, and this is big, WIPE. OFF. THE. COUNTERS. I know it’s hard. It can be yucky. What, all those crumbs and spills. Yeah, disgusting.

If I make the danged dinner, least you can do is clean up after it.

All your clothes and random belongings need to go up to your room. That means all of you. I’m tired of looking at your thermals, hoodies and soccer shoes. Why are there always socks in the family room? Hair accessories are the same. Do they multiply like bunnies? Why are there always bobby pins and hair elastics in every room of the house?

If you have a dish in a room of the house, other than the kitchen, put it away. I don’t want to find your milk glass in your bedroom two weeks later.

Toilet paper needs to be replaced on the roll. How many times do I have to say this? If you are using the last roll, go get several more from the bathroom cupboard.

If you use the last milk, go into the garage fridge, and get the next carton.

All tools need to be returned to their proper place. That means a roll of tape goes back in the office. A hammer goes back in the garage.

Please don’t leave Nerf weapons randomly on the stairs. Someone will trip over them. Okay, I will trip over them.

Now that we have that established, I think I’ll go to the spa, and then eat bonbons watching an entire season of Boardwalk Empire on DVD from the library.

Someone call for pizza.

I’d like a side of herpes to go with that lipstick please.

EWW GROSS!  I jest. But lately, I think that’s what people are doing. Spreading their oral herpes liberally via makeup at the store.  This has to stop people.

This week has been riddled with bringing things home from the store only to find that they have been…. dun dun dun…… USED!!!

People!  What is wrong with you? Don’t you know that you don’t use the lipsticks on the shelf if they aren’t testers? I don’t want your Abreva medicine on MY lipstick tube.

Case 1- Went to Walgreens because I found on Pinterest a gal that posts low end brands identical to high end brands. Being the makeup whore that I am, I wanted to check out a few. So I’m perusing the shelves of Cover Girl, Revlon and L’Oreal. Not that I would call this stuff ‘low end’ any more. They’re charging $10 for a lipstick now! Geeze, I remember when I bought a Clinique lipstick for $10.

Well, I just went through looking for the colors on my list, dropped them in my basket and checked out.

I get in my car, like any junkie does, and begin to open up my purchase to check out the loot. Apparently, I didn’t have much to check out, first tube I open, I notice the seal has been broken. Dammit. Total brain fart maneuver for me not to have checked this in the store first. I proceed with caution. I know the herpes isn’t going to jump from the tube to my lips, but I’ve now begun conducting my own CSI investigation. Gloves on, black light out…. I notice…. the surface of the lipstick has been touched by human flesh. Double dammit.

Moving on to the next tube. Yep, same thing there.

Three items that I bought were contaminated. I went inside to check the shelf and the remaining products were also tampered with. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?? I pointed out to the Walgreens lady and she said that she’s tired of telling people to stop using the stuff because they get mad at her. Sounds like a fun job. Working at Walgreens AND getting stink eye looks from people tampering with merchandise.

Whatever happened to, ‘you mess it you buy it’? Although, I have knocked over 3 bottles of olive oil in the middle of Cost Plus World Market, and the mess that ensued was disastrous. How I’m even allowed in those stores at all is amazing.  I was relieved they didn’t hold me to the rule, “you break it, you buy it” during that incident.

Back to my infected product rant- later in the week, Emma and I are at Sephora killing time before we head in to a movie. I see two women over at the mirror with a Givenchy mascara tester, yes tester, thank goodness. BUT… and I mean a big BUT, they were putting it on directly from the TUBE using the WAND that comes with it. Anyone knows you use those little mini wands they have at the end caps and you only dip ONCE. No DOUBLE DIPPING. Now that tester has their conjunctivitis all over it.

I used to work at Clinique with Nordstrom. If you are at all familiar with Nordstrom’s liberal return policies, they take back ANYTHING. Well, they did in the 90s anyway. So people would return make up all the time. No biggy. That’s cool. And you can use it and decide you don’t like it and still return it. My favorite though were the customers that would nicely hand me the package, receipt, everything. Then I would ask if  there something wrong with it. You know, to utilize my skillful customer service skillz, because I was supposed to try and sell them something else. Hey, I worked on commission.

So they would say, no thanks, and then they would explain rather sheepishly, “I only used the lipstick once.” or “I only used the eye pencil once.”

And I would politely carry on with my uber friendly customer service. But in my head, the dialogue goes like this, “Oh, you only used it once? Well then I will put that in the USED ONLY ONCE DRAWER. We have a special discount for once used products. Like a roulette wheel of sorts. Great bargains!”

But I didn’t. I just smiled. I don’t care if you’ve used it ONCE or 43 times, that shit is going back to the manufacturer. Should I wipe it off and sell it to the next poor sod? No.

So that brings me to the Walgreens lipsticks. When I saw them in my car that they had been used, I totally thought of some nice lady, “I only used it once.” And then I pictured a puss-filled broken sore on her upper lip, and that’s why I returned them.

Lesson 1- Don’t use products on the shelves that are packaged specifically for tampering. If it’s sealed, don’t unseal it dammit!

Lesson 2- When using a tester, use the little doohickeys they provide and don’t double dip.

Lesson 3- I will never use a mascara at Sephora again.

Please don’t use makeup at the store if you have one of these.

Disclaimer- Do not google images of herpes or conjunctivitis. It will ruin you. There are some things that can’t be unseen.

I also do not believe that every single person who has used a tester at Sephora is contaminated or infected. This is just merely exaggeration for the sake of the blog people.

I promise you, I didn’t eat my children this weekend.

But I was thinking of it. Not because they could be delicious, but because I felt like a honey badger and wanted to tear apart everything that was driving me nuts this weekend.

I was PMSing. (Ew, Ew, Ew) James is going ‘la la la la, I can’t hear you’. I mean, that had to be it. Otherwise, I was just a BITCH.

I had my first migraine in a loooong time. I usually don’t get them now that I go to acupuncture. It’s like magic that I don’t have them anymore. I even had a treatment on Friday. And I still got a migraine. Holy shitballs, it wasn’t fun.

I had a holiday party on Friday night to attend. Totally fun. Love hanging out with my girls. I got to dress up cute, wear Spanx and heels and feel all girly girl. So it was good. Then Saturday morning woke up feeling not so great.

Things I observe when my left eye has what feels like a knife stuck in it (that’s how a migraine feels, for those that don’t know):

  • The spy gear that my son has that sets off an alarm whenever someone enters his room sounds like an air raid. Horrible. Awful toy. This will be going in the donation box by accident for sure.
  • Everything my poor husband did drove me to drink. We bicker in the car. But when I feel like I did- we don’t just bicker, I rip his eyes out. Okay, I just tell him every turn he’s made is wrong. But in his book, I might as well rip out his eyeballs. Or stick pokers in his ears, then he wouldn’t have to hear me.
  • The cat litter is out to get me.
  • The laundry procreates like rabbits in spring.
  • My pants don’t fit. Even with Spanx.
  • Words with Friends starts to feel like it’s out to get me.
  • 30 kids at a birthday party with a pinata is like watching one of the Kardashians get a bikini wax. It’s loud, irritating and not a pretty sight.

But it’s Sunday night and I’m coming out of my tunnel.

Other than the lady on TV during the football game saying the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders are world class performers, I’m all good. Nothing can bother me. (Knock on wood.) The kinks are worked out. My head is back to normal. The children are alive and well (I didn’t eat them, or even merely nibble on them). The husband hasn’t taken away my lipstick allowance, so that must mean he still loves me.

I’m ready for Monday.

God help me.