I have some fears and phobias like most people. Fear of heights. Fear of spiders (make that fear of anything that crawls with more than 4 legs). Fear of water. Drowning has got to be the worst way to die. Fear of snakes. Like Indiana Jones fear of snakes.
At my niece and nephews’ birthday party they had the Reptile Man. He’s famous in our parts and kids love him. He brings alligators, tortoises, snakes and lizards. In his snake collection he has a rattle snake, a cobra, a python and a boa. If he had a tarantula, centipede or scorpion, I would have locked myself in the bathroom. Then he wouldn’t be the Reptile Man I guess, he’d be Crazy Insect Guy.
My only experience with boa constrictors was the poem by Shel Silverstein. Apparently, they don’t actually eat people. Boa’s have never killed a human. This is what the Reptile Guy tells all the trusting little 4 and 5 year olds he’s letting pet these creatures.
I’m not sure what possessed me to raise my hand when he asked for volunteers to hold the boa. This was by the end of his presentation and I was feeling comfortable with all these scaly things. That, or it was the stench of all those cold blooded things in the room had fogged my senses. They did stink. Reason number 45 why Owen is never getting one as a pet. Anyway, around my neck it goes and first thing it does is start smelling my face. You know- with it’s TONGUE. It felt like it was kissing me. Now, I don’t have any expertise, but I think this snake knows high-end beauty products. Clearly, this snake has been to Nordstrom and Sephora and I must’ve smelled like home to it. It wouldn’t get out of my face. (See picture)
So whatever snake dancing Britney Spears did on stage at the Video Music Awards is child’s play compared to my canoodling the boa.
I’ve decided my training for Fear Factor is well under way. Next up- spiders.
Are you fucking out of your mind? As if.
Like next we’ll go to some kids party with bungee jumping and I’ll be all, ‘pick me, pick me’. Uhm no.
Am I still afraid of snakes you ask. Well, no. Not afraid of ones that are in crates with the Reptile Guy. However, I have no plans to go to Africa or Brazil any time soon and test my fears in the wild, thankyouverymuch.