Tag Archive | toys

Stab my ears with ice picks now: Kidz Bop and other nuisances

I realize this might rub wrong with some of my parent friends. If you and your kids listen to Kidz Bop and enjoy it- great. That makes you a very tolerant parent. Or deaf.

I’m a purist. I don’t mind a cover band for my 80s favorites. But usually grown ups are singing. Kids singing grown up songs, unless they’re church hymns and they are that girl Jackie Evancho, is just not right. I feel weird seeing kids prance around singing Lady Gaga and Ke$ha or Kanye West.

When the commercials come on while my kids watch cartoons- even they groan. So yes, some artist’s lyrics are inappropriate. This has been going on since the dawn of time. Elvis, Li’l Richard, The Eagles, Madonna…all artists our parents didn’t approve of, or their parents didn’t approve of.

But when they need to mess them up in a most embarrassing way or sing with those bubble voices, I want to stab my ears with ice picks.

Here’s a website that did my homework for me and listed the best of the worst for child-proofing pop lyrics for Kidz Bop ears.

Awkwardly altered lyrics on Kidz Bop

There’s a reason Justin Beiber and Miley Cyrus are actual recording artists. They can sing. Not everyone’s cup of tea- I realize. But at least their music is geared for teens, grown ups can take it or leave it. I suppose the same can be said with Kidz Bop. Take it or leave it. I’ll leave it thanks.

Something else that came to mind- don’t people mess up lyrics anyway? I mean, I can’t understand what Nicki Minaj or Jay Z are saying anyway.

Examples of songs from my childhood that I thought I knew the words to:

Irene Cara, The theme from “Flashdance”

my version:

“Take your pants off, and make it happen, it just comes alive you can prance right through my eye.”
(My head was in the gutter then too)

real version:

Take your passion, and make it happen
Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life

Elton John ‘Tiny Dancer’

“Lay me down by Tony Danza, count the headlights on the highway, lay me down on your credenza, you had a visitor today.” (okay, I stole that from Phoebe on Friends.)

real lyrics:

Hold me closer tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
you had a busy day today

Duran Duran’s ‘Rio‘-

my version:

“Her name is Rio and she dances on her hands, just like a ribbon going through the smoky grand”

real lyrics-

“Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand, Just like that river twisting through the dusty land.”

See? What’s the point of lyrics anyway?

And speaking of other things that drive me bonkers-

Squinkies. Mattel’s version of plastic gumballs in the shapes of ponies and kitties. They’re harmless. But every time any have come into our house, they end up in the vacuum, my shoe, the cat box, under the seats in the car, wherever.

Now they have a new Squinkies product called, Zinkies. Squinkies but half their size. I didn’t know you could make a toy so small and charge so much money. How does this product not get recalled? I can only imagine the number of times pediatricians have had to extract one from some orifice of a child.

Squinkies come in girl versions and boy versions. Apparently unisex Squinkies are frowned upon. Everything has to be marketed for girls and boys. Then they get twice the costumers.

Also, be careful of things marketed that say, “Hundreds for you to collect.” Translation- “Please buy lots and lots of them!”

Tell me if this commercial doesn’t drive you nuts:

Squinkies “girl” commercial:

Oh and here’s the boy commercial: because all skater boys play with Squinkies. And wear them in their hair.

Holy nubbins Batman, they DO have Puberty Barbie.

Okay, normally I don’t post twice in one day. But I had to do a post script to my post Do Toy Execs Think Parents Are Idiots.

My friend Betsy pointed out that they did have Puberty Barbie. It was called Growing Up Skipper. It grew boobies when you spun her arm.

I wish I could grow my boobies just by spinning my arms.

And any of you folks out there that still own this baby from 1975 (in the box of course), it’s going for $300 on Amazon. I gotta get me one with my Cher Barbie!

Mattel's version of Puberty Barbie

Do toy execs think parents are idiots?

Have any of you seen the commercial for Squishy Baff? Yes, Baff. Not bath. No, that would be too grammatically correct.  I guess poor grammar sells things straight to our kiddos little hearts. It sounds cute that way, you know, more fun. Serious doesn’t sell. Obviously. Things need to be spelled like Play doh, Li’l instead of ‘little’, and ‘N instead of ‘and’.

I may be way out of line here. But isn’t that what people say that can’t or don’t say they’re ‘th’s. Like when you’re 3 and you say  ‘free’ when asked how old you are. Or you speak in Ebonics. Bill Cosby would not approve.

So this product is a powder that you put in your kids’ bath water for it to turn to a slushy. 7-11 style. It’s gross. I don’t want to bathe in squishy, slushy stuff, that comes in colors. The trick is that it turns back into water for you to rinse it down your drain.

I however am not brave enough (or stupid) to try it out and see if it really does in fact, NOT harm plumbing.

Here’s the commercial on their website:

Squishy Baff

Two aspects of this website crack me up:

1) It’s ONLY thirty bucks to make a hell of a mess up to 4 times for your kids.

2) If you wanted it guaranteed for Christmas delivery, you had to order by Dec. 11. If you want ‘likely’ Christmas delivery, the 15th is the best you can do. What does this company use, Pony Express?

I guess this product has been around for a few years. I saw the commercial last week on Nickelodeon.

I think this rates right up there with Moon Sand and a drum set in terms of nightmare toys for kids.

What’s next Puberty Barbie?