Tag Archive | Vlog

If we were nudists that would solve my laundry problem.

Of course that would require us to get more slip covers for the couches. Ew!! Yeah, gross.

Oh my gosh, can you just imagine Owen nude all the time? He would be so up in his butt and playing with this nuts like they were stress balls. Which they are. I mean, he’s fiddling with them, they’re balls… you get the idea.

Before I started blogging, I would complain on my Facebook page about the laundry. I don’t read single people complaining about their laundry. Married folks without kids might gripe a little. Wives complaining about folding socks and undershirts. Maybe a husband wondering what in THE hell is with the once a month underwear from the misses that looks like a crime scene. But it’s not until you have children that you feel the pain of laundry. The burden that comes with the constant loads of clothes, towels, sheets, stinky socks, underpants. My favorite is the hunt. When I go to Emma’s room and her hamper is empty, but the clothes are strewn about the floor and she complains she has nothing to wear that just fries my craw. So goes with McSweetie. He has an entire pile of dirties, but the hamper is empty.

Now I know I don’t have to take them to the river or anything and beat them on wash boards. The clothes. Not the family members. Although maybe that would make them better at helping me! It’s the same as dishes. There will always be dirty ones. There’s always laundry. Always. Until we start going naked, there will always be clothes to clean. If we stop eating, we can stop loading the dishwasher. I prefer eating. I also prefer garments that cover my privates. So I suppose I will continue to do laundry.

We haven’t planned on moving to any remote island or getting shipwrecked a la Blue Lagoon style. So laundry it is.

And like most normal people who stare at a laundry basket piled high with clean things, I get out my video camera and decide how to vlog about it. I mean, right? You do that too don’t you?

So here’s my ballad to the laundry. I look really sad. I think I’m just overwhelmed.

What an asshole. Look at him just sitting on those clean towels like that. Little turd.

A Tutorial on Spanx*

*Or, how to stuff your muffin top into a Lycra tube.

Listen ladies (and men, cuz there is SPANX for men out there, but let’s pretend we didn’t know that), it’s not that hard. I’ve been wearing SPANX for years.

Yes, it’s a fancy name for a girdle. Yes, it’s not cheap to buy at Nordstrom. HOWEVER, it’s a helluva lot more comfortable than the old fashioned girdles of the 50s. I don’t know this personally. I’m only 40. But I can only guess since back then, the fabric didn’t ‘breathe’ a whole lot.

So yes, SPANX can be uncomfortable. Yes, SPANX can be hot in summer. And yes, there is that weird crotch hole in some. I will explain more on that later. BUT- it does slim, trim and whittle you down under clothes. I don’t care what size you are- the point is to be smooth and bulge-free under your clothes.

So if you are bulging out over your pants, or your back fat over your bra- then you’re wearing the wrong garment. Everyone’s complaint about Spanx is that it just pushes the fat to a different place. Well, that’s not entirely true. You need to push the fat IN and spread it OUT under the steel clad grip of the garment.

Oh and just a side note- the crotch hole is only for peeing. Not for pooping or sex. Just don’t go there.

I’ll demonstrate. Please sit back and enjoy this lengthy movie I made for your viewing pleasure. It’s like an infomercial. A little redundant, not as long, and DEFINITELY way more entertaining.

And I was not endorsed by SPANX at all in the making of this video. But I gotta say, if Sara Blakely wants to come and deliver me a truckload of these things, I’m her gal. Yes- I put SPANX on in the video.  You’ll see.  Have I NO SHAME?

I’m like Jane Fonda of the 80s…only better

I’ve been on Pinterest a lot lately. And there are a ton of exercise tips. Lots of them. They all come with these pictures of some woman and her six-pack, that’s really more like a ten-pack. Thighs of steel, buns of supple perkiness that you could bounce a quarter off of.

So I pin all these exercises to my board. And guess what? They don’t seem to work unless I actually DO them!

Yeah. So I decided to make an exercise video that you all could pin to YOUR Pinterest boards.

You know all those exercise people are very intimidating. Their sculpted, toned bodies. Tanned and cellulite free. What a crock!

So I give you- ME.

When my friend and I would do the Jane Fonda video that her mom had and we used her VCR and it was like 1984, we were so excited to don our leotards and leg warmers. We really wanted to look like the girls in the video. I guess I have never lived that down. Which will explain my exercise wardrobe I selected for this clip.

The super high leg openings are like an 80s dream come true. And a bikini area grooming nightmare.

Watching this will make you feel so much better about yourself. And hey, you too can be just an average sized housewife like me. Just trying to stay out of the mom jeans and keep my muffin under control.

Stay hydrated and be sure to warm up first.

It’s a vlog again.

Does anyone out there actually LIKE Kristen Stewart? I mean, if she were my neighbor or roommate in college, I’m sure I would be perfectly pleasant with her. We might actually go out for coffee. No we wouldn’t. Because I couldn’t take the ‘thumbs up’ habit  and awkward she exudes for even five minutes.

Not that this vlog is all about my dislike of good ol’ K. Stew. But I do review Snow White and the Huntsman. And give a stunning example of her performance.

It’s a decent movie. Don’t get me wrong. And I went with a girl friend and we had a great time. So I’m not complaining. Well, sort of. I’ve seen soap opera actors do a better job than she does. Why does she continue to get work in the industry? It’s annoying.

So with that- here’s the latest vlog.

It’s pretty entertaining. I’m drinking and eating in it. My cat has a cameo. I pay honor to the Queen, not the evil queen in the movie- the Queen of England sillies!

It’s like a Jubilee/movie review/vlog/ extravaganza!

OH and good news- there’s no copyright issues so it should work on mobile devices!

Yay!

The Music Video

I’ve been reading the soft porn book 50 Shades of Grey about domination, kinky sex, and everything you don’t want your parents to know you are reading. Whew, is it hot in here??

If you’ve read it, you know how, uhm, steamy it is. Steamy? Geeze, that’s putting it lightly!! It’s like jungle steamy, humidifier steamy, boiling noodles steamy.

The other day I had to put it down because I think my cheeks were flushed and the kids came home from school.

I will be honest. I haven’t finished it yet. I feel dirty reading it when the children are home.

So this is me during the day whenever I get a chance on my own to read it. I incorporate chores, Daniel Craig, some subliminal thoughts- you’ll be surprised, and how I really just can’t put the book down. Unless of course, my kids are home! Then I hide it under the couch cushions.

Please keep in mind- I’m a goof ball and by no means take any of this seriously.

Disclaimer-

I’m a happily married woman who has no problem with vanilla sex. Thank you.

I know- more than you needed to know.

Enjoy!

Samantha Brick can be MY friend, and I wouldn’t be jealous. I promise.

I’m a little excited over here in blogger land. I recorded my first VLOG!! Yep- you get to see my sweet mug and then some!

So here’s a little background on this ditty:

Samantha Brick is a woman in the UK who says life has been so hard being pretty. Women hate her and are backstabbing bitches because of her good looks. She has never been a bridesmaid because the brides feel threatened she will steal their groom.

She has had to dress down at work for fear of being TOO attractive. Also- she can’t wait to age when the wrinkles and gray hairs make her look more average.

Wow, this chick is a piece of work.

Here’s the articles from the original UK post-

Women hate her because she’s beautiful

Her article proves women are bitchy because of the response world wide

Here’s my response:

It’s a little rambling, a little long. But I have visual aids and wear a tiara. So it’s worth a look. Enjoy!